Saturday, November 16, 2013
Last Guys Don't Finish Nice
I am a Robert Greene fan.
The 48 Laws of Power, The Art of Seduction, The 33 Strategies of War (I don't have the one he wrote with 50Cent) are all displayed prominently on my bookshelves, and the abuse each one of them has taken (bent pages, cracked spine, coffee spills/burns) would indicate that I've read them several times.
Further, it comes as no surprise (well, to me I mean) that I am feeling a bit cynical this evening, and for that, I apologize; I think that my internal struggle with cynicism thanks to Greene may have influenced this week's intellectual proposition. I shall let you be the judge, however, as to whether or not this was a good or a bad thing.
As many of you know, and if you didn't you do now, I am not that into "people." There are a select few I would ever willingly share time with, and more often than not, it shows. The true friends (not the acquaintances--you have to have those or it's really hard to survive in the world as an adult) I have now are friends I've had for quite a while--it's not always easy for me to make new ones and frankly, I don't often (ok, probably never) try. But, don't misunderstand me--I know that this is not considered "normal" and I often wish that this aspect of my personality were not so deeply rooted .
Now, before I go any further, I feel it pertinent to actually define what I mean when I say "people."
So, here it goes, for lack of a more...academic definition:
PEOPLE: Individuals who are not kids (and yes, I realize the absurdity there since EVERYONE was at one time, in fact, a kid--I never said my appeals were to logos); mostly over the age of 30 and under the age of 80 (for some reason, I find the elderly fascinating).
And there you have it--the definition of people in the world of Cassie Bunje.
This rather pessimistic and certainly asocial view of the human race is not something with which I was born, however, I feel that it began cultivating itself at a rather young age. My childhood was not one to be looked back upon wistfully, and it didn't really get much better as I grew into young adulthood. This was due, almost entirely, to my interactions with and observations of, you guessed it--people. In fact, until I became a teacher, I held out very little hope that I would ever be able to gaze upon the face of another human being without a hint of scorn, mistrust or distaste. True story. Truth be told, and this is not me being dramatic at all--you could probably accurately say that teaching saved my soul. More on that later.
So, back to today and the churning maelstrom of pessism taking hold of me. In my reading earlier ( I was searching for a quote from Greene and forgot which book it was in--so I skimmed them all), I happened upon an interesting quote.
I would like you to read and reflect on this quote and tell me what you come up with in terms of whether or not you agree with what it says, and what it even means. As always, qualify your answer with an anecdote of personal (or not-so-personal--whichever you prefer) experience to help illustrate the point you are making.
Here it is:
"Niceness is a decision. It is a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait." --Rovert Greene
Have fun, my pumpkinsunshinefaceheads...
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Robert Greene’s quote is straightforward and is something that I try to live by in my life. Greene’s quote means that niceness isn’t a trait that everyone exhibits; niceness is a choice that one takes to practice around the people one interacts. My meaning for Robert Greene’s quote may be contradictory to someone else’s meaning because there are people who are very pessimistic and nihilistic or just detest being around people, but I think that some point of anyone’s life, someone will always have to interact with a human being and have to eventually interact and choose to be nice. I know I don’t seem so happy, joyous, or cavalier during Lang class or school in general, but I try to be nice to everyone possible. I confess that I am not nice to everyone due to the fact that there are people who have previously made me angry, and because I choose niceness depending on the type of person. I also do not hold grudges for the sake of being a better human and because I believe that everyone should have a second chance also believe that even though you are frustrated at someone that you would like to shoot, you should always help or bestow kindness if the person you dislike is going through a difficult time or needs a helping hand.
ReplyDeleteThroughout many experiences, I have dealt with having to choose between niceness and revenge, which is something that I hate because I don’t know why anyone would want to bring torture to someone because of a previous predicament. Once in a while I come across someone that I absolutely hate and decide to at least give that person a second chance, so I—being the nice guy I am—try to be nice to that person, so that eventually I can be a human who isn’t so cruel and can think differently about the people who inhabit Earth. Along with experience that showed me to be nicer to people I hate, I have learned that there are people who I am nicer to than others. Like Bunje mentioned on the post before, there are certain people who I am nice to because I have been conditioned to appreciate their kindness and their friendship. Because I was raised by a dad who likes to act and think like an Alpha Wolf, which I hate, I have found difficultly trying to be nice to males who try to possess everything and are superfluously cocky. I don’t like to mention any names, but there is a dude in one of my classes who I seriously cannot be nice to.
This dude’s has an awful cocky attitude that makes kittens weep and daises die.
I remember, in the class I have with him, he needed to get a book, and he asked me to get one for him, without thinking twice, I looked at him like I didn’t speak English and I didn’t hand him a book. On the other hand, because I have a mother who displays a humble, tender, and delicate sense of style, I have viewed most women or females the same with the characteristics my mom has showed me since I was a child. Because of my mother’s poise, I decide to be nicer to women than men because of the view that my parents showed me from a young age. I rarely have difficulty having to be nice towards women, so I laud my mom for showing me the characteristics a few women have.
So, as you can see, I too believe that niceness is nothing but a decision that one takes; the decision making of niceness has taken a new level in the people I choose to be tractable and nice to. Niceness is not an innate characteristic that people have or exhibit.
i completly agree with you on this dave! I feel the same way you do, especially about people i am not to fond about. HA HA!
DeleteDavid, we never really taked much until this year, but I always thought you were a nice guy. Then this year I've gotten to get to know you a little more and yes, you really are a nice guy. Being nice is a choice and I agree when you said this, everyone has to be nice in some way at least once in their life. I think this was a great respond!
Deletelegit, I agree with your choice of Niceness despite the fact that I believe we should be nice to everyone no matter the persons attitude towards you. Niceness and revenge is true works hand in hand. I am impressed with your work and form of expressions and you addressed the topic. I humbly second your idea. Good job.
DeleteDave, I agree that niceness is an option although it may come naturally to some. I found it rather intriguing that you used your parents as an example of how you approach males and how you approach females. I, too, cannot stand cocky males; I don't think that I could necessarily spend too much time with an arrogant female, either. Most of the girls that I hang out with are just like your mother: very nice and polite. I genuinely believe that you have a rather interesting perspective of how you handle people and I mean this is a positive way. I don't think that I have ever met anyone who has similar thoughts to you, Dave. Overall, I loved your response; it gives me insight on how others around me think.
DeleteI admire your attitude in how you deal with those that have wronged you. Deciding to give someone a second chance is something that can be so difficult. Many people are unwilling to even speak the name of those that have wronged them and it’s really a wonderful attribute you possess to not be in concurrence with that mindset. I also think that your accomplishment of being able to let go of your grudges is incredible and inspiring. I can sometimes get caught up in a bad moment and give it my sole focus but you’ve given me a great reminder to look at the bigger picture and focus on the better side of things. Great job!
DeleteDavid, I really liked your response and I thought it was well thought out. I wish that I could be as nice as you because for me there is a trust issue and if someone wrongs me I usually don’t forgive and forget so easily so not to say I would be mean to them but I definitely would not be nice I would most likely be very neutral towards them.
DeleteI very much agree with you on your take on Greene's quote. It never really occurred to me that our parents's attitudes effect our decisions. Like your mom, my dad always told me to be nice to others especially to those I am not particularly fond of. My dad always told me to be the better person and I try to be. But, as you said, it's very hard choosing between being nice or being vengeful towards someone you just cannot stand. I try my hardest to always be nice to people, but I'm too sarcastic for my own good and my mouth has honestly gotten me into situations that I could have easily evaded. In the end, I don't think niceness is a trait for not everyone is always nice, but that is not say that meanness is a trait, because it too is a decision we choose to endure.
DeleteRobert Greene states, “Niceness is a decision. It is a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait." I agree with this quote entirely and I can relate full-hearted with this quote. The first thing that gripped my attention in this quote was that Niceness was not a characteristic. Now that I think about it I have always described somebody as being nice or caring. Then there are always those people who say, “I don’t have to be nice to you, I just choose to be.” Those people are completely right. In order to interact with others most people choose niceness. In a way this could be used as a cover to just try and make new people or make a different kind of connection with other people. This statement is very short and simple but its meaning is in depth and is very clear. I am one of those people that have this view of people that I trust everybody until they give me a reason not to. Therefore, I truly am always nice to people because I am always the one who wants to meet new people and also make those people welcomed. Though I have had experiences when my niceness turned around and bit me on the butt. Being that person that uses their niceness for social interaction is always able to get hurt more because it is also easier to get shot down. With me agreeing that niceness is a choice, I have sometimes choice to not be nice either to prove a point or simply that person rubbed me the wrong way or did something that would cause my rath of meanness to come out and smack them in the face. Though I will always be respectful I will never be respected especially by most of my peers. I have always been a sucker for quotes and this is by far one of my new favorites.
ReplyDeleteDom, i think this was a great respond. I completely agree with your opinion of what this quote means. People choose to be nice, in order to make others happy being nice can be a huge factor. I always try my best to please everyone around me and so i do that by choosing to be nice. I often say people are "nice" but that is just a way they present themselves.
DeleteDom, I think that you’re completely right. Like I said earlier, niceness is a decision and it is a difficult decision if you honestly don’t know who to be nice to. I agree with what you have to say about people who say they don’t have to be nice to people because it’s something that to me is a bit cliché and shouldn’t be said because I believe that everyone should be treated nicely. I know there are people who get into our skin and give us a reason not to be nice to, but everyone should get a second chance no matter what. I feel like there are times where you over use your niceness and people eventually take advantage of your niceness for his or her benefit and is awful, which is why everyone should be careful with who their being nice to.
DeleteI too think this was a good response, Dom. I agree with you I think niceness is a decision that people use for their advantage and I think most people use it until they have come across another who has done something to offend you and I have been mean when I am generally nice.
DeleteWhile I certainly can't say that I am the type of person who trusts anyone until they do something wrong, it was interesting to read the opinion of someone who is that kind of person. I will admit that blunt niceness to everyone is a little hard for me so hearing that you try to respect everyone regardless of first impression has made me realize that I probably need to let my guard down a little. I can only image what it's like to be burned for your kindness and I feel that's why I am so hesitant to always were my pleasant face. I also really liked how you pointed out the different ways in which niceness can be used. Ultimately, great blog responce.
DeleteDom, I completely agree on what you think this quote means. People choose to be nice to be able to talk to others and become friends with new people. It’s also done to make people happy and please them. I try and am nice to people to please them. Some people that are so called nice might actually have a mean side that only certain people really see because they put up a nice front most of the time.
DeleteDom I like how you used a common saying to explain the meaning of this quote. I also often notice that I like to make the decision to be nice around people most of the time until they give me a reason not to be. Mainly because I don't like to make the decision to be mean to someone just because someone else I know has.
DeleteDom, I have noticed that you are always nice to everyone you meet. I have not once see you shy away from a conversation with a complete stranger. The way you replied to this post was great, I also admire how you know the dangers and have first hand experience with people taking advantage of your extended kindness yet you still continue. I really liked this post
DeleteYou are right when you say people choose to be nice to interact with people. I think that attempting to be nice in some way is easier for most people when they are social.
DeleteThis quote by Greene, that I will now state due to obligatorily having to restate the quote in my question, with the quote itself being ""Niceness is a decision. It is a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait." really got me thinking. Are people nice? Or do they just choose to be nice? After stewing it over, I thought about the concept of niceness, and I decided, its kind of both. Yes, I have been nice to people whom I have despised with the very fiber of my being, when I would love nothing more than to be the biggest jerk in the world to them, so niceness is definitely a conscious decision, the capacity for niceness is very much not. There are some people who being nice just comes a lot easier to them, almost like it isn't a concerted effort. When someone cuts me off or cold stops in the hallway, I am literally the threat of detention away from literally punching them square in the face, but then there are some people, who when they get cut off, and are entirely in the right, apologize profusely for it, and there are different kinds of people in between. While everybody has to try and be nice, the effort it takes to be nice differs greatly from person to person, meaning that it is a decision and a character trait.
ReplyDeleteI came up with this mindset after looking at myself for a little, bit thinking about how I act around others, and I realize, I'm actually rather good at being a giant grump. When under a lot of stress and very little sleep, as I am going to be this entire week (thanks Tunney) I tend to be significantly more irritable than I usually am. I realized that that was because as an individual being kind is something I strive to be, and when I no longer have the energy to do it, I become Oscar the Grouch. I was kindof a big jerk at times today, yelling at people when I would normally offer encouragement or advice, and I realized in hindsight that maybe I should not have done that, and looking back on that, I realized just how hard it is to be nice. You have to make sure not to yell, you have to smile, have a gentle tone about you, and even inconvenience yourself at times, just for the sake of doing it, and you make sure to do all of these things, before actually doing it, as if you are adjusting your car before.
But while considering this, some people have got the whole nice thing down so well that they as an individual don't even know that they think about it. They have been doing the nice thing for so long, and so well, that they are grandmasters in the art of the nice. Without batting an eye, they save a kitten from a tree, help and old lady cross the street, and save a drowning person from a burning building or something, making it back home in time for dinner, with underprivelaged children and wayward army vets, or course. They love being nice, and nice loves being with them. But still, they have to make sure to keep staying nice, because under the right conditions, even this person will backhand the hell out of an orphan for trying to steal her commemorative 5,000,000 hour community service trophy. They just have a better threshold for keeping it up. So yes, while being nice is a decision, it is without a shadow of a doubt a character trait as well.
Thomas, your response was amazing. I feel as though you really appealed to my taste! I feel as though your very last paragraph describes who I am. People really have to push ALL of my buttons in order to get a negative response from me. Sure, I have my moments where I get agitated, but I don't fly off my handle. However when I do lose control, it always takes place after someone really gets to me. I feel as though I radiate positivity, not by choice, but because it is my overall nature. I most definitely agree that niceness is a choice for most people. It is true, we use this skill in order to have normal social interactions with others. I must say though, some people need a plethora of assistance with the basic skill: it's not that difficult to be a nice person.
DeleteTom, your posts always brighten my mood. I think that your humor plays a main role in your decision to be nice because people who funnier and less practical are way nicer than those who are not. I can relate to when you said that there are people who you can absolutely beat up, but I think that there is always another chance to display a nice character for them to notice that you’re not the person they think you are. I can also relate to when you mentioned that even though the circumstance you are going though, you try to be the nicest person the people around you know. I guess being nice is one of the hardest decisions to make because there are people who even though have a problem with another individual, have a problem with themselves.
DeleteI thought you made an interesting point in saying that the capacity of someone’s niceness is not a conscious decision. It caused me to think about the variety in humans and how though we are different we have to work together to succeed. We reflect and prosper off of each other’s differing characteristics and use our abilities to fill the needed gaps. I also thought your point in saying that niceness is both innate and a decision was interesting in that the two are connected and coincide with one another. Great illustrations as well I always enjoy your posts.
DeleteTom your post was great they usually are in my opinion, and I completely agree with you I think there is some truly nice people out there that are not mean to anyone. Then there are those people who it is just a decision for them to be nice to someone or not.
DeleteYou took the unique of approach of contemplating the difficulty of actually being nice. I find this to be my most substantial roadblock in relating to Greene’s sentiment. For some reason, it is incredibly easy for me to be a jocular and vulgar belligerent. Being nice, especially to strangers, requires a great deal of strength for me. So even if I have to be nice in order to achieve something, like Greene implies, I sometimes don’t because it’s not worth the trade off. But I do recognize is that to most, the common pleasure of niceness in itself seems selfish because it’s a defence mechanism.
DeleteYou made some interesting points in regards to the variety among humans and their kindness levels. Niceness can sometimes be so broad to the point where it is hard to tell whether or not someone is being generally kind. I liked how you were able to support your statement about niceness being both a decision and a trait. It's something that can occur naturally in some situations but other times it can be something extremely hard to display, especially under tight circumstances.
DeleteWhen I read your blog response, I didn't realize how similar out opinions were until after I posted mine. I really like how you described what causes people to be nice towards others even if they dislike them. I wish I had thought to describe my ideas in a way more like yours.
DeleteWe are not born into the people that we grow up to be, our personalities are complicated concoctions of environmental exposure and innate qualities. I of course believe that there are some traits we are simply born with, a product of the meshing of our parents messed up genes to create an even more messed up child (I’m only kidding—sort of). But a majority of who we are is generated by interactions we have with the environment we grow up in. So in regard to the quote by Robert Greene "Niceness is a decision. It is a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait” I completely agree. Sure in certain unique situations some people are born with a kinder heart or nicer spirit than others, and they may be more upfront and open with their benevolence. But even the nicest person can choose at any time to cease the jubilant act and portray any sort of character that they desire.
ReplyDeleteNiceness and meanness are both tactics of dealing with diverse social situations that we come into contact with. No one is always nice, and I prefer to believe that no one is always mean. We react with different traits depending upon the situation that we are faced with. We use this plethora of characteristics at our disposal to keep some people at bay, or invite others in, or impress certain others. I suppose I should not have said that I agree entirely with Greene’s quote, I may have jumped the gun a little bit. I believe that I am an inherently nice person, by that I basically mean that kindness usually comes easily to me. But I know that for many people niceness requires the input of energy, it takes something extra inside of them to be kind. So maybe niceness is somewhat of a character trait, it’s honestly hard for me to say. For someone who struggles more with kindness this answer may come more clearly.
I feel as though I could argue either way in terms of whether or not I agree with what this quote is saying. Niceness is undoubtedly a social response; we can choose when to turn on the charm and when to shut it down. And that is what makes me lean more toward agreeing with Robert Greene, because to me a character trait is something that is not so easily fluctuated, or turned on and off. Certain facets of our personality are things that we simply cannot change, at least not with such brisk ease. I know in terms of myself that I have good days and bad days, and depending on the circumstances similar situations on good and bad days can rub me in very diverse ways. At times niceness is purely a reaction, if I see someone get their books knocked out of their hands in the hallway, my kind nature kicks into over drive and you could most likely find me on my knees gathering up scattered text books. But if I happen to be the person that gets run into, believe me my reaction would be quite different. I know that this is a trivial situation, but I think that it serves to demonstrate my overall opinion on Greene’s quote. And that is that niceness can serve as both a character trait, and a strategy of social interaction.
Reading this respond made me rethink my opinion on his quote. I now guess I could agree with you that niceness can serve either as a character trait because that simply could just be who you are, or as a strategy of social interaction because being kind is a huge key when it comes to being social with others. All in all this was a great blog respond!
DeleteBryanna, you mentioned something that I haven't even considered: our environment. If we grow up in a town with generally rude people, we will in turn be rude mammals. Conversely, if this town is full of amiable citizens, then we too will be amiable creatures. I also like the fact that you mentioned that people know when to activate their charm. Some people, in fact, abuse this charm. Overall, I enjoyed reading your response and it really has got me thinking!
DeleteYour description of kindness being a character trait reminded me of mother-like qualities, and I'm not saying that you are mother like. What I mean is, mothers tend to be very caring of others when they are hurt, in trouble, etc. It is more of an instinct which is what you seem to have been alluding to when you said that kindness comes easily to you. So maybe what you think is kindness is actually a mother-like trait.
DeleteFirst off, way to be a trooper and do this blog response while you are sick. Beyond that, I find that you took a very interesting side to the question of whether Robert Greene was right in his statement. I have found that most people either agreed or disagreed but I like that you took context into consideration. I especially am fascinated how you pointed out that niceness can be more or less innate than others depending on what kind of person you are. It's something I didn't really think about when I contemplated the prompt. I can't really say that I disagree with you on any point you made, in fact you have given me a broader understanding of the topic.
DeleteI didn't even consider the whole 'nature vs nurture' argument while writing this, so you're blog helped give me new perspective on this topic. Maybe the trait of 'being nice' is ingrained into us by our parents, our teachers, and society as a whole. From young age we are told to play nice, to share with others, to treat others how we want to be treated (that 'golden rule' business) and we therefore come to believe that it is always necessary to be nice. I'm not saying treating others with kindness is a bad thing, not at all! Simply that it seems we do need to be taught these things. From my experience, all young children are rather selfish and nasty creatures and it is only through their upbringing that they learn to behave otherwise. It's interesting to think about how most people would end up, if they were raised alone in the woods or something (which is not something that generally happens, but bare with me)- if all those lessons about being nice were removed, what kind of person would be left? There would probably only be acts of self interest.
DeleteI like the point you made about how exposures and past experiences have an impact on our levels of kindness. We were all raised in different types of environments so that seems like a valid reason as to why some people may act nicer than others just out of habit. This also relates to the common trend in which people with harsh personalities were raised under equally harsh circumstances and vice-versa. Your correlation of niceness to character was quite interesting.
DeleteBryanna, you wrote about something that I believe truly affects the characteristic traits of people: their environment. If we grow up around a certain group of people that act a certain way, we will grow up to be like them. We might think that we didn’t, but we will subconsciously act the way other people showed us how to act. I totally agree you with people knowing when to turn their charm on and off. This shows that being nice really is a strategy social interaction and is a decision. Way to write a great blog while you’re sick. Feel better!
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ReplyDeleteYou often hear people, when it comes to defining one other, say that they are such a nice person, or in other cases a mean, rude, fun, awesome person. These are all different things that can be used to describe someone, but I don’t believe they are character traits. With that being said, I can fully agree with Robert Greene’s quote “Niceness is a decision. It is a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait.” In the sense of niceness, people choose to be nice, in the same way people choose to be rude. Being kind doesn’t always mean that someone is pure hearted, because they could still have those bad days. Referring to niceness as a decision is true because depending on your mood towards someone you choose to be nice to them. Throughout the day I try very hard to display kindness to anyone, even those who I can’t stand. Those who may really get me mad for any apparent reason; I may choose to react with a less not so kind reaction. But again, that is all out of choice. Being nice is a strategy of social interaction. In interacting with peers or society in general, you want to please those around you (at least I know I do). With doing so, you may consider the nice end of things, simply because it is what people do to socialize with others. Some people may seem nicer than others, but that doesn’t mean they developed the niceness gene when they were born, for the fact that anyone who chooses to be nice, can be! I find being one of the oldest team members on my gymnastics team; I have a bit more of responsibility to hold when it comes to being a good role model. I want my younger teammates to look up to me, in doing so I must manifest a good attitude and decide (in the lesser amount of words to put it) to be a nice person. I like choosing to be kind, giving kindness I can only hope to receive a nice attitude back. It’s like the Golden Rule; treat others the way you want to be treated. I want to be spoken to through a nice or kind way, so I decide to give that back to society and try hard each day to give the world a little more smiles and a whole lot of kindness.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with you, even though Robert Greene’s quote states that niceness is a decision, there are people who decide to be rude or mean. I think because of your leadership in the gym, niceness has been the number one choice that you direct yourself towards acting. I think that your example of the golden rule makes perfect sense because if you would want to be treat nicely, you should treat others nicely. Conversely, there are people who get treated horribly and still treat others with niceness and respect.
DeleteConsider this: maybe some people just don't know how to be nice. Some people grow up in environments where everyone is rude to each other, and that is just how people interact. So when they go and interact with people who grow up in environments where people treat each other civilly, they don't know how to act. Rudeness just becomes a character trait because they were never given a choice to act kindly or rudely.
DeleteI liked that you approached the prompt by explaining that when our inside feelings towards others tell us to be mean, we sometimes are nice to them instead, showing that niceness is a choice. I'm rather impressed with your optimism in this blog response, while writing mine I came to terms with the fact that I am rather cynical about other people in general. With that said it was pleasant to read about you positive side. I think your feeling of inclination for being a role model in gymnastics to be inspirational, similar to how I feel as a drum major only that inclination results for different reasons. Of course, you overall positive attitude and treatment of people is inspirational.
DeleteAs I've always said, your optimism is quite remarkable. It's safe to say that if I did believe that niceness was a trait, you'd definitely have it. In my many years of knowing you, I have never seen you be mean to anyone or show anyone any feeling of distaste or remorse. You're always so kind to people even if you dislike them and I think that takes a lot of, for lack of a better word, power. When someone I don't like says something rude to me, it's very hard for me to choose to ignore them and not say something offensive back. You've got a lot of will power in that tiny body of yours! If I had half the determination of yours, to always choose to be nice, maybe I'd get into less verbal arguments with others! Good job on yet another well done post.
DeleteI completely agree with your statement about niceness and it's disconnection to someone's character. Sometimes even the most genuine person may act out of character on occasion but that can all be traced back to something that may have triggered a negative attitude. As humans we all go through bad days and we all experience unwanted emotions that will cause us to act a certain way. That doesn't make us a bad person for acting in an unappealing way on occasion, it's just something natural.
DeleteHonestly, if I had to choose just one person out of all the people in my life that was born with a kind heart, it would undoubtedly be you. In all the years we have been friends we have never been in one fight, that's truly incredible, especially considering all the circumstances we have been through together. You are absolutely the nicest person I have ever met, you never have a negative thing to say, and you are always looking out for the well-being of others. That being said, I really enjoyed your response and for the most part I found that it was in keeping with my own opinions on Robert Greene's quote. I liked that you discussed niceness as a decision, and further broke it down into situations that we can all relate to. I'm sure we have all, at one time or another, chosen to be kind to someone that we were not too fond of, and visa versa. Everyone has good days and bad days, and depending on the way that we feel we can react kindly or meanly.
DeleteIt is very true niceness is a social strategy and a choice. You represent the strategy part when you decide to be nice for your gymnastics team. In this case you are using niceness to influence the behavior of others in a positive way. Your mention of the golden rule is another strategy implanted by using nice you're nice so others will be nice to you.
DeleteI like how you used the golden rule to prove your point. By being nice to others, you expect others to be nice back although I know that is not always the case. Also, we agree on the fact that niceness is a choice and not a general gene. No one is born as a nice person, although people could develop into a nice person from how they are raised.
DeleteI agree people choose to be nice or rude. And being nice doesn’t always mean someone is truly good. We all decide whether we wish to be nice or mean.
DeleteAfter reading your post I realized that being nice doesn't define you, it just generalizes and describes you. Wow good post, i acquired a new perspective.
DeletePessimism and cynicism, I think, is both a major flaw and a strength in me and possibly others. Although I want to believe that some people in their complex arrangement of a personality truly are nice just to be nice, I know deep down that it isn’t true, and yet, I go on with it because I must. We must. It’s not necessarily a matter of being a manipulative person but more a matter of survival. The world can be a cold, cruel, and scary place, so to avoid being eaten alive by gossip, rude comments, and fake compliments; we must be nice even if that isn’t necessarily how we wish to act at that very moment.
ReplyDeleteIn all honesty, sometimes I just want to use that cartoon type trick on people in which a character covers a deep hole in the ground with a net supporting dead leaves and then waits for the targeted person to fall into the pit. That sounds like an awful thing to say, but that is how I feel sometimes, and I would never do it unless if the person did something to an unimaginable extreme that I had no other choice. One day I came close to actually planning my attack. Some of you may remember this story, so one day, I was in class and this person was listening to a couple of my friends and me talk about how RRLs are difficult and he/she said, “Ha. Psh. What are you talking about? That is so easy.” and keep in mind that this person does NOT even take Lang. I was ready to punch that person in his/her face, but I didn’t. I simply yelled at the person and said, “You don’t even take Lang! Don’t make that assumption! Just watch. If you take Lang in the future, you will understand, and you’ll see that it is not easy.” About a week later, the same person said that AP Chemistry is easy, and once again, he/she doesn’t even take the class! When he/she said that, I immediately got up ready to punch him/her, but I didn’t. I can’t remember what, but something stopped me.
Keep in mind that I was very stressed out on those days because it was the end of the marking period, and I had a test in almost all of my classes that week. I was ready to move to Finland so I wouldn’t have to deal with all of the stress. I also don’t particularly like this person because he/she reminds me of a dachshund. They just jump on you and scratch you and bark to the point that you think your ears will bleed, and after having one class with this person, I honestly believe that one day I will actually do that cartoon trick. I think generally I come across as a very bubbly and optimistic, fairy-type character, and I am typically nice to people when I first meet them because they have never given me a reason to dislike them...unless the person gave me a bad first impression. If so, I don’t really put the effort into being nice to him/her. I have no reason to be nice because I don’t plan on having any affiliation with the person, so there is no point in sucking up to that person.
So there it is in black and white as Robert Greene once said, “Niceness is a decision. It is a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait.” and everyone does it to survive. If I were to actually punch that person or trick that person into falling in a pit, I could have been sued or sent to ISS or lose any chance at going to a good university or all of the above. My entire future was at stake at that very moment when I got up ready to punch him/her. I would be ruined. It is not just a matter of keeping a good reputation amongst my friends but also among the world surrounding me. Everything I do-no matter how insignificant it may seem-will come back to haunt me or help me. I don’t know about you, but I would much rather have a good deed come back to help me. I’d like to believe that not everything I do is of self-interest, and it’s not. Sometimes I am just in a giddy mood, and I try to spread the joy for no reason at all, and hopefully I’m not the only one.
First off, let me say I think I know exactly who you're talking about... and I agree. Sometimes there are just people who are immensely annoying and well, I think it's natural to feel anger towards those kinds of people every once in a while. Maybe every second you're stuck in a certain class with them, if we're going to be honest. But the sad fact is that we usually have to be nice to people, no matter how much we may dislike them. Like you said, you might be mean to one person for one moment and it could end up ruining your life. We have to be nice to people, no matter how forced our smiles may be when we talk to them, because you never know what this person could do to you or how they could impact your life. I'm sure we will have plenty of bosses and coworkers we dislike as we grow up, just like we have fellow students we dislike. But we have to be nice in order to live our life in safety. We have to refrain from punching those people in the face, as much as we want to. For our own good.
DeleteWhen I read your anecdote, I couldn't help but laugh to myself because I know EXACTLY who you're talking about! And a little side note... if you ever do decide to pursue this cartoon trick, I'll be happy to help (kidding... no, not really)! Anyways, you're right. We all have to continuously be aware of our actions because our actions have an impact on our future. It's annoying, really, how even the simplest of decisions can have a massive effect. You're much, much, much nicer and more patient than I, so you could only imagine the number of times my hands have itched to surround the necks of people who just infuriate me to no end. But just like you, I always find away to restrain myself. Life really is a cruel place, but I think we need to start seeing it in a more optimistic view. If we constantly say that the world is nothing but full of stress and anger, we'll endure nothing but that. One thing that I've started to learn lately is that you just need to let it go. Take a breathe, eat some ice cream, and move on with your day. No matter how infuriated you might feel or how annoyed you might be, just remember, it's much better than being stuck in ISS with a bunch of delinquents.
DeleteI like how you immediately dispelled the idea that those who are fake niceness do it out of survival rather than malignance. You accept the idea that niceness is sort of an unconscious social expectation rather than some deliberate game of chess as the Greene’s quote might imply. Your stories involving that radioactive nuisance we all know and love demonstrates quite effectively how our decision to be nice can be easily changed in a fit of rage. And what guided you out of that rage was an act of self-interest even though, let’s be honest, you would have been doing all of humanity a favor. That was a very well thought out and explained way of thinking about it.
DeleteI loved the beginning of your response. I hadn't really given thought to just how crucial of a strategy niceness is to us, especially being in high school. We act kindly to avoid the cruel hands of gossip and rumor spreading. People are so easily offended and so opt to hold grudges against you for trivial reasons, so we consciously choose to avoid these petty situations by just putting on a happy face and being nice, no matter how much it kills us inside.
DeleteI totally agree with your statement that sometime the habit of being pessimistic towards everything can really prevent us from remembering to be nice. Especially now in this stressful period of our life when everything can seem to go wrong, it's really hard to be conscious and call ourselves out on our own thoughts. But I love the way you described how this mindset can be overthrown. You really thought this topic through and I love the way you organize and explain your ideas.
DeleteI really liked thinking about the idea of kindness as a survival instinct. My mom being like 7,000 years old gives me good quotes, like, "If a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its butt." Which has no relation to this blog response, but this one does: "you catch more flies with sugar than with salt." Life favors the kind. The people who are not necessarily doormats, but people that are not afraid to offer a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on, and people respond better to kindness in general that hostility. So while being nice is well, nice, it is also a very important thin to be able to be if you want to get by in life.
DeleteI'm not an easy person to make angry, but perhaps I have entertained the notion of drop-kicking that person in the face too. There should be a limit to how annoying a person can be. But I'm fairly nice to them anyway. Just in a very resigned sort of way, though they seem to be ignorant of that fact. I wouldn't mind so much if they weren't so.. on a specific other person in the one class we have with them all the time. But I do think he gets plenty of hate already, so I feel no reason to add. And you were good to mention the reputation thing. Any small act we may do can follow us forever, which is part of what keeps many of us in line. And yes, you are a small, adorable fairy. But the rage that escapes you sometimes startles me in a weird way. You can be pretty deceiving. Not that I mean that in a bad way or anything.
DeleteIn order to understand a broader perspective of this quote I decided to research the key components of the text. Niceness for example, is defined as being pleasing and agreeable in nature. Nature in this context is the inherent character or basic constitution of a person, or in other words, their essence. When a characteristic is defined in someone’s nature, it is generally a trait. Niceness therefore would be an inherent value that someone has that makes them who they are. There are people who offer their hand in assistance, smile to brighten someone’s day or who are genuinely affectionate because these traits are the fiber of their being. It is a distinguishing characteristic or quality that has a direct effect on someone else, (i.e. social interaction) but isn’t necessarily proportional to a reciprocal action. A person who sees a woman struggling with groceries and holds the door for her has no correlation between themselves and personal gain. That person may never see that woman again but in an effort to lighten her burden, they are propelled to respond through the niceness and goodness within them.
ReplyDeleteRobert Greene portrays niceness as a tactic, as a ploy for personal gain. He suggests that there is no place for niceness beyond the shallow bodies we reside in. In saying this, he takes away from our substantial components. We are then no longer individuals with specific preferences, interests or beliefs. Rather we become uniformed people with the same detrimental goal in mind; to tear down rather than build one another up. Niceness and love coincide with one another in that the characteristic “nice” must be supported by a genuine love. It is out of this genuine concern for one another that niceness is exhibited and carried into our social interactions. As I am a Christian living as a sojourner of this world it is through “niceness” that I can honor my creator’s plan and purpose for me. In Matthew 7:12 in what is often referred to as the Golden Rule, the Bible instructs us to “Do unto others as we would have done to us.” In Matthew 22:39, we are told to love our neighbor as ourselves and in John 15:12 it states, “There is no greater love than this that a man lay down his life for his friends.”
Our interests, personality and beliefs are all a compilation of who we are. Our social interaction is a reflection of who we are “for out of the heart the mouth speaks.” Matthew 12:34. Therefore, I believe in the Golden Rule, in paying it forward and in glorifying God no matter what my circumstance.
I often find myself holding doors for other people out of habit. It's not always because I want to "lighten her burden" but because I'm just used to it. That action has been battered into my mind since I was a baby because it is a social norm and it's courteous. So I guess in some circumstances kindness is a trait.
Deletei like how you said niceness is used as a tactice. i also agree with giving God the glory in anything and that niceness is a huge part of that
DeleteYou've actually managed to come up with a good example of genuine niceness with no visible gain with your 'holding the door example', something I was struggling to do. However, now that I'm on a certain line of thinking I can't help but wonder if we hold the door because we're nice or just because it's so ingrained into our minds that we just automatically preform an act like that. I certainly know I get no satisfaction or good feelings for holding the door for someone but I still do it anyway, because I know I should and it's not too much of an effort anyway. How often are we nice because we are genuinely nice and how often are nice because we think we should be nice?
DeleteI like your opinion that niceness is an amalgamation of many other smaller personality traits, and can be done without gain. Although if I may take it a step further, holding the door for someone is less kindness as it is civility, making sure that you look out for others, as a fellow human being, and while you may not gain anything, you are also not losing much. Unless there is a bomb on the other side of that door, you are not really losing much by letting that person with the groceries through, because at the cost of five seconds of your time, you saved another person possible minutes of toil trying to open that door. It is basic mathematics, and civility. True kindness in my opinion is more akin to giving out a small piece of yourself, even if it is a miniscule piece, brightening someones day by a bit with no intention of gain, and going in realizing that you may just lose things. The example I thought of would be paying for that destitute shopper behind you in the shop rite, and denying any form of compensation unless explicitly imposed onto you. Kindness is a love for every human being, to a very large extent.
DeleteIn your door example i feel that the motive behind holding the door is not niceness, but more empathy. We've all been that lady at one time or another and although it carries out to be a nice gesture, it isn't fueled by an "innate niceness" more through the power of empathy, like "I feel you, let me help". Also, I think connotation makes a big difference in how we perceive niceness, therefore we can't live by the denotation of "nice".
DeleteI don't think holding the door for somebody is genuine niceness. Of course, yes, it is nice. However, I believe that's just more general mannerism and respect that most people lack unfortunately.
DeleteI suppose I'm not much of a 'people person', either. As far as introverts go, I'm probably about as far down the scale as one can get before they go sliding off into the dangerous territory of 'socially unfunctional and a stay-at-home shut-in'. Although I'm sure if you give me a few years I could work my way to that point, at the rate things are going. Although my definition of 'people', as in people I would like to avoid, encompasses just about all age groups (there is a special contempt reserved for adults, however). I suppose I'm social enough at school, but the minute I get home I tend to cut contact with any friends I see daily and especially avoid talking to my parents. I'm sure all of my friends know that I basically disappear on weekends like some bizarre case of alien abduction occurs every Friday afternoon without fail. Unless I've made prior plans, it's basically up to luck whether I'll reply to you or not! But I don't feel like I'm isolating myself, not exactly, because I have a ton of people I talk to on a daily basis... they just happen to be online. Some people feel like online friends somehow invalidates that friendship as though it's not real, and that talking to them isn't true conversation because somehow you have to have touched someone to form a deep emotional connection (fact: that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard!). In fact, all my closest friends, the people who know the most about me and know my secrets are online friends. I inherently feel more comfortable communicating through text because I am pretty bad at social interaction- and the thing with online friends is that I get to choose them, which really makes a difference. So yes, I am naturally an unsociable creature, but that's not to say I always hate interaction. I certainly have friends I hold very dear to my heart, and it doesn't matter how I happened to meet them.
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ReplyDeleteAnd here's where we get to the whole 'why are you nice to others' question. To these few friends that I have truly opened up to, and have shown me vast amounts of kindness in return, I think I'm nice to them simply because I want them to feel good. I want them to be happy like they've made me happy. Sure, it is still 'being nice' with an ulterior motive but in this case the only benefit I want to gain is seeing my friends feel safe and comfortable. These friendships are not like the kinds I have in school, where I don't always feel comfortable and liked. In those cases, I think my reasons for being nice in an school environment can be quite different. I be nice in those kinds of friendships because I want people to like me, I want them to think well of me and hang out with me. However, I am not trying to say that I go into every conversation with these sort of motives on my mind- rather, I think this is a subconscious thing, something I desire and try to obtain without really realizing it. It is only upon some thought that I've realized I seek different things in different relationships in the first place. So I suppose I am agreeing that 'niceness is a decision' but not a particularly conscious one- and I have to disagree that niceness 'is not a character trait'. Because I feel that some people are inherently nicer and friendlier than others and genuinely love other people. I remember telling a friend once that I 'don't like talking to people very much' and she could only reply in confusion. She was genuinely confused how anyone couldn't find pleasure in other's company. She loved hanging out with people, and talking with people, and there was no doubt she was a genuinely nice person. I don't know how to explain niceness as a character trait because there is nothing behind it- you simply are nice. I know I often have motivations in being nice, even if I am often unaware of them, but it seems ridiculous to believe there is not a single person out there who is just 'nice'. To believe such a thing means to believe in a very cruel and unforgiving world where there is no shred of genuine kindness to be found, not even in the hearts of people, and I try to avoid such depressing thoughts as best as possible. So I suppose Rovert Greene's views of the quality of being nice are true for some people, probably a great majority of people, but I'm not willing to apply it to the entire world population. There are people out there who are far kinder than you could ever imagine who suffer for other's sakes with little to gain in return, simply out of love or some other great emotion they hold in their heart. If that is not 'being nice', than I don't know what is.
Your motivation for wanting to be nice is so selfless and admirable. The fact that you are nice just for the sake of making others feel good and not gain anything for yourself is such a wonderful quality. I also found it interesting that you brought up how kindness is connected with suffering for the sake of others. It’s interesting to see how selflessness is frequently connected with niceness. It is also a comfort to know that there are genuine people in the world who are willing to put others first and see the good in them. Great post!
DeleteI admire the openness and sincerity of your post. The way you address niceness is relatively optimistic compared to some other responses. I definitely agree that is seems ridiculous to assume that no one in the whole world is just nice out of their own very nature. I take note of the fact that you try to act nice just for the purpose of making other people feel good. That is an idea that I find to be prevalent in youth’s fundamental understanding of humanity. However, it is lost with stress and age for most people. Those who are nice for the right reasons make the world bearable. In fact, I believe those who fake niceness do it often to appeal those who are genuine.
DeleteWhen you said you are nice to people just to make them feel good reminds me of myself. I would go out of my way to make someones day and it is cool to see that somebody else feels the same!
DeleteI think it's really admirable that you were able to securely say that you can be an introvert and not like to be with people all the time. This can affect other's impressions of you, but if they understood your mindset, their opinion would change. However, it's not only brave of you to try to step up to the plate and make a conscious effort to be nice, but to step out of your comfort zones.
DeleteOf course there has to be at least a few genuinely nice people in the world, but maybe I am more pessimistic about this than you. Or maybe I just think that as long as the reasoning is subconscious a person should be considered nice anyway. Which seems to be almost the exact opposite of my first statement. But the fact that you act nice just to make other people feel good isn't something I really expected you to say, and I kind of feel like a jerk in comparison, even if that's a little silly. And you're not that incredibly unsociable, but even if you are it doesn't really matter. Just saying. You're loved anyway.
DeleteAs Greene has said, “Niceness is a decision. It is a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait.” This quote means that people can be nice not because they are nice people but because it is a good way to socialize because people tend to respond to this type of attitude much better than if that person were for example to be rude. Generally this means that people have the decision to act a certain way but just because they act a certain way does not mean they qualify to be that particular type of person. In my opinion this attitude [niceness] can be interchangeable with any other type of attitude towards a person because acting a certain way is a decision only a person can make for himself and whichever way he or she will choose to act will get a different reaction from the audience some most likely better than others. The point is though, just because he or she may choose to act this way does not mean they would be considered that type of person because how people interact with others is merely a decision that does not make up ones personality. An example that relates directly to the quote is my mother often times tries to be as nice as can be in her work environment which is actually pretty fake because she does not particularly like her coworkers, but just because she does this does not mean she is a nice person or would be a nice person to them. The only reason she would do such a thing is because it is a tool (social strategy) I assume many in the world use not to be a charlatan but to be professional and get the work done with the least problems as possible. Personally I think the attitude towards a person is interchangeable, because I know I have said some mean things to another person because they have hurt or offended me in some way but it does not mean that I am a mean person because how I decide to act is simply a decision to make not a personality trait I would like to exercise.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you. People tend to be nice because it’s a good way of socializing with people, especially when you first meet them. I don’t think that people really show whom they really are when you first meet them and socialize with them. I totally agree with you that attitudes are interchangeable. We might see a person act mean one day, but that does not mean that they’re always a mean person. They might have just been having bad days and such. Mean people can be nice and nice people can be mean.
DeleteI agree being nice is viewed as the social norm. So people will often be nice because it is common for others to do so and no one wants to be an outcast. This statement makes me wonder if the same were said for being mean would that be accepted as an acceptable behavior for an interview? Would calling someone's dress ugly be a way to land a job? The fact that niceness is a common decision made out of being the cultural norm makes me wonder a lot.
DeleteI like that you defined the quote in a different way than anyone else. You said that people are nice because it is a good way to socialize. I honestly didn’t even think of that way but the quote does say this and I completely agree with you. People act nice not only because they are nice people but also because they want others to like them. Very good observation, good response!
DeleteThomas, I agree with your statements on the advantages of what actually being nice really do, not forgetting the saving a kitten from a tree and an old lady cross the street.I second your opinion on your content and especially how arduous it is to act nice towards people who practically try to establish conflict. Nice work. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteBeing nice isn’t genetic. Being nice isn’t innate. Being nice is a decision. Being nice to your friends, to your family, to people in general, is a voluntary choice that isn’t something that can be inherited. When you say, “Oh, she’s nice.” why do you say that? Is it because you’ve heard that this so-called-female is a nice person? Maybe because you’ve seen her do a nice act? Or is it because she was nice to you? In a literal sense, I think that choosing to be nice is a decision one makes in order to attain a certain social goal. When you interact with someone you are always aware (more often than not) of what you are doing and saying. You are constantly assessing how you think the other person will react to you. If you want to achieve a spiteful reaction from someone, you treat them with disrespect. Same goes for if you want someone to like you, you’ll obviously treat them nicely. No one is born nice. No one was given the magnificent trait of always being nice. Being nice is a recurring decision that can either be acted upon or ignored.
ReplyDeleteIn attempt to make sense of what gibberish I’ve said above, I present to you a small little anecdote from the life of Paula Cuerquis: First impressions were always an important thing for me. Although this might not necessarily be the best of attitudes, I’ve always based my decision, on whether or not I’d like to associate myself with a person, based on my first impression of that person. Anyways, I met this girl, who shall not be named, when I first started middle school. I met her during one of our choir practices where we sat next to one another in the back of the room because we were both shy, ignorant, sixth graders who were scared of the big bad eighth graders. We conversed with one another and she seemed like a decent person. She was funny, clever and “nice”. Based on these conclusions, I then decided that she was a person I’d like to consider as one of my few friends. While our relationship blossomed from the stages of acquaintances to good friends, it was then when I started seeing the “real” her. She wasn’t actually this funny, clever, nice person that I first depicted her to be. Rather she was the total opposite. She was cunning, rude, and ungrateful (to put it nicely… see what I did there? lol). After a short while of her continuously disappointing the character I first set her up to be, I decided to cut off all ties with her seeing as she definitely wasn’t a person I wanted to spend my time with. I’ve come to conclude that she was never a nice person. When I first met her, she displayed actions of niceness that made me believe she was “nice.” But I guess, in the end, it was my own fault for believing something that I should’ve been more aware of. She chose to be nice to me that day because she too wanted to be my friend (at least I thought so) and I did the same, and that’s just it. She chose to be nice and therefore she was nice (but only for that moment).
To summarize, just as Greene stated, to be nice is a decision. Being nice doesn’t necessarily give someone the quality of being a nice person, it just means that at that certain moment or certain moments, that person chose to show generosity, humility, etc. and thus depicting this sort of title that we consider a “nice person”. In the end, I’m probably looking at this in a very pessimistic and parochial point of view but I believe that this quote means just that. To clarify, I’m not saying that, because no one is nice, that everyone is mean. My point still stands and it works for everything we do. To choose to be mean is not a character trait for choosing to be mean might just depend on the person you are being mean towards. To be nice, to be mean, to be funny, etc., those are all decisions we choose to make and those decisions vary. But I think the real question here, then, is what defines a trait?
Your personal story really helped me to put my thoughts into perspective on this topic. I combed my mind for a suitable anecdote to supply for my own response but I simply could not think of one to suffice. But I think that yours really did the trick. Niceness really is a tactic of climbing the social ladder, we are nice to people when we want them to like us (which was clearly displayed by your story). And as you also stated, people can stop being nice whenever they want, proving that niceness truly is a decision rather than a personality trait. Overall I really enjoyed your response and it definitely provided me with a new outlook on this topic.
DeleteNice opening anaphora! I think honestly what we consider a nice person is somehow who just has the tendency to be nice. Especially people who are unconditionally nice.
DeleteAlonna, very impressive. People actually try to be nice to get the work done forgetting about their feelings and these are the people I call focused and regardless of environment out of respect or courtesy they act nice. I have seen many people act nice towards people but in their hearts they know they can't stand them. Nice work and thanks for bringing that idea up. thanks.
ReplyDelete“Niceness” isn’t something I’m particularly known for. Not to say that I am a mean-spirited person, but it definitely does support the notion that I utilize “niceness” during certain occasions and reserve it during others. I do believe that acting nice is often used as a method of obtaining social capital as the given quote implies. Simultaneously, I believe that a select, small group of people do have pure and simple kindness in their hearts. However, I find that the true majority lies somewhere in between. I would like to believe that my acts of kindness are rooted deeply within a sound and generous character. Unfortunately, I find that most of my acts of kindness are rooted in a set of quasi-moral obligations maintained by society to which I am largely indifferent. Many can find themselves exercising niceness out of unfortunate obligation and not sincere deference. If a stranger is struggling with bags, I will definitely offer my hand in help. But in all reality, I don’t genuinely care about this person; I’m victim to an automated response. I don’t seek any praise or retribution, nor did my Grinch heart grow three sizes that day.
ReplyDeleteThere are exceptions to the rule of course. Chances are if I’m obligated to be nice to a person of interest, my niceness will be genuine. If you are a friend of mine, I will actually feel concern as I watch you struggle with heavy bags. But there is a balance here too. I often revert back to the original way of thinking or just revert to being more jerkish if you happen to be a close friend or family member. Unless, of course, he/she has the ability to punish me. But I digress. Though this characterization of thinking bears more resemblance to that niceness is a “character decision,” I disagree because I act this way unconsciously; it’s not a decision
Ultimately, my conduct depends on who I am dealing with and what scenario. Like most things, it impossible to make a generalization that would satisfy the parameters of every plausible situation. Though, I am not denying that Greene’s words have some merit in certain situations, for I am admittedly guilty of acting nice out of self-interest and strategic navigation of everyday life. Every student tries to sway a teacher with flattery or good behavior. Though this does not particularly always encompass niceness, the general principle still applies. In fact, I feel that this is an important life skill despite its moral ambiguity. This speaks more to the moral framework and nature of our society. We all tend to talk out of the side of our mouths, and I believe that the author’s intent was more directed towards pointing to this truth than it’s literal denotative meaning.
Because I lack the linguistic skills to analyze my aforementioned idea in whole, I will make an appeal to those who are naturally nice. I lack the capacity to understand how someone can be nice on any kind of consistent basis.Now those who are nice on a constant basis could definitely do it out of self-interest, but there are a few who just have it in their blood and are able to act pleasant at any given time with no outside motivating force. I often find that those who are so unconditionally nice are those who are in need of such niceness themselves. Because of this, I have vowed to never act nice out of self-interest to those who are unconditionally nice. Simply because their behavior is not unconditional. More than often, it’s the result of something that should otherwise make them miserable. Our conscious and unconscious decisions that determine our behaviors are nothing but a paradox. The decision to be nice is no exception.
I actually do really like your statement that some kind actions are not decisions or character traits, but automated responses to moral obligations in life that are neither thought about, nor done with full kind intent in mind. Some things are just done because they are "nice" things to do. No more, no less. Unless the person behind you is your sworn enemy, you hold the door for him as you walk through it, because it is nice. If a person drops their books, unless they only dropped them because they lost their grip on them while kicking a puppy, you help them pick them up, because it is nice. Some things are just done because they should be, and do not play into a person's kindness, only their knowledge of social cues..
DeleteA thousand agreements, Mr. Wigglesworth. And I did enjoy the Grinch reference actually, though I do hope your heart isn't actually that small. Don't worry me. And it actually just occurred to me that the person with heavy bags could be Santa. Hah! But how can you really know if someone is genuinely and unconditionally nice? It's hard to differentiate between being nice out of habit, and being nice because it's what you want to do, and I somehow doubt that people are always able to make that kind of self-analysis properly. Well actually you did. But I don't know if I could. Trying to figure out my reasonings for things can be complicated for no darn reason, as you well know, and so I agree with you on it all being a paradox. We are all sort of expected to act out of self-interest sometimes, too. I'm pretty sure that just comes with being a person.
DeletePART ONE:
ReplyDeleteFive years ago, if someone were to tell me that being nice was a choice, I would completely disagree with the person. Why would anyone chose to NOT be nice? Seeing as I am older and am around a slightly altered group of people, I see that people chose to be rude to one another on a daily basis. Robert Greene's quote on attitude and social interaction has really aided me in realizing that being "nice" isn't necessarily a prize. Greene stated, "Niceness is a decision. It is a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait." After analyzing this quote, I have realized that I have no other choice than to agree with a majority of what Greene is saying. For the most part, people are in control of how they wish to behave. If they wish to lend a helping hand, they will do so without hesitation. On the other hand, if they feel the need to erase a wonderful person from their life, then they will do so without blinking. Humans have also realized that in order to achieve any number of social goals, they must be "nice" to one another.
I will agree that being a nice person is a decision, but to some people, it just comes naturally. I have witnessed numerous people be very cordial to one person and seconds later I have witnessed the same person experience quite the attitude change while talking to a completely different person. They tore this person to shreds; it was unbelievable. I could not understand how someone was able to go from zero to 180 in a matter of seconds! Perhaps the thing that shocked me the most about this exchange was the fact that all of us were supposed to be friends. I understand that people have the tendency to get on your nerves, however you need to learn how to handle that appropriately. On the other hand, I would say that I am a person that doesn't have to decide whether or not I am going to be friendly; it just happens. I don't think I have decided to be intentionally rude to someone. If a person is approaching me in a discourteous manner, I tell them. I may be a polite person, but I'm not going to let you make me your doormat.
Although manners are recommended for a positive social interaction, I am not always sure about this. Sometimes you need to be rude to people in order to grab their attention. For instance, one of my friends had been extremely disrespectful to our mutual friend and I decided to take matters into my own hands. I did not feel the need to be gentle with this person seeing as she chose to hassle the more passive friend day in and day out. I gave her a taste of her own medicine and it was obvious that she did not appreciate the type of treatment that she was receiving. Needless to say, this friend is now able to hold far less abrasive conversations with our mutual friend. If not for my fiery tongue and caustic tone, this person would not have received the message as effectively as she should have.
PART TWO:
ReplyDeleteI will go out on a limb and say that niceness is a character trait. I honestly do not see why it wouldn't be considered a character trait. If you are genuinely a nice person, then in my book it is one of your character traits. Simply put, if you happen to be a person that struggles with being pleasant, then it is not one of your character traits. Even if it isn't, there is no need to worry. People are described by more than one term. Humans are complex beings (and some are more complex than others), it would not do anyone justice to just label them as merely one word. For those of you who do not consider niceness to be a character trait, what do you consider to be a character trait?
Greene's "Niceness is a decision. It is a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait" made me realize that people do not have to be nice to one another. Green's quote made me realize that humans rely on this courteous behavior in order to participate in positive social interactions. Greene's quote made me realize that some people struggle with NOT being hostile. If not for this quote, I would have just lived life believing that everyone is innately polite or innately antagonistic. Never would it have crossed my mind that people choose to be the way they are.
I used to think that niceness was something special and rare since it was something that many people seemed to cherish. Don’t get me wrong, niceness is definitely something admirable but as over the years I came to the realization that niceness is nothing truly worthy of praise. Yes, niceness is a decision. The key word is “decision.” As humans, we all have a mental list of things that tick us off even if they are minor. Even those who don’t consider themselves to get irritated easily can still admit that there are multiple things out in the world that they would find displeasing and irksome. That’s just part of human nature. However, everyday we get to choose how we portray ourselves to the world. Just like Greene stated, niceness is something that is “a strategy of social interaction” in which we choose to appear pleasing to others that way we don’t create enemies with our peers. Niceness is something that can easily be incorporated into everyday interactions as a way to portray ourselves in a positive way so it is not necessarily something rare or special. When I was younger, I would judge the humanity of a person based on their kindness. Over the years, I came to the realization that many people took advantage of niceness as a way to easily mask their true character. A person’s conventional tendencies are not accurately correlated to their visible kindness. For example, a person that you encounter may give off the impression that they are amiable and humane until you find out that he/she has been convicted of murder. Of course, you would have never guessed that this person had such ill-natured habits since he/she was able to mask them with geniality. This is just one extreme example of how easy it is for someone to conceal their true character just by simply appearing to be nice through generic actions or words. This quote can also be intertwined with a situation in which two peers act generally kind towards each other but deep down they both find each other irritable. This is when the “decision” part of the quote comes into play. Although the two individuals don’t find each other admirable, they do not choose to visibly reflect their poor feelings towards each other because they do not find each other deserving of negative feedback. Malice is also a decision in the same way that niceness is a decision. As part of this “strategy of social interaction” we generally prefer to appear more kind than mean because we as humans like the idea of being liked and also because hostility is generally something unnecessary to everyday life. In order to conform to society in an acceptable way, we tend to reflect our bitterness only in situations where something or someone has done something to provoke us. Other than that, we are typically nice towards our peers who have not done anything to trigger intense hatred. The definition of nice has become too broad. The appearance of kindness can sometimes be misleading and it is crucial that we don’t connect niceness with a genuine good-natured soul. It has gotten to the point where you can almost identify anyone as nice if you are able to catch them in the act of doing something even slightly genial. Even the word “nice” seems like such a degrading adjective to me. Describing someone as nice doesn’t say much about their character since kindness is generally just a display. Of course there are many people out in the world that have decently warm-hearted souls but there are just as many people who could compare to a hot pocket: warm on the outside, cold on the inside. The nature of niceness was most accurately stated through this particular Greene quote. Don’t fall into the trap of making quick assumptions of someone’s character solely based off of their words or actions that you may typically identify as “nice.” You may be surprised to discover what is really hiding behind the mask of kindness.
ReplyDelete"Niceness is a decision. It is a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait." --Rovert Greene. This is a well stated quote. Why? it could be divided into three parts, however each part has different meaning with a little bit of similiarity. Firstly, " Niceness is a decision" Just like diction is a choice, however it depends on the individual regardless of the environment whether good or bad. Furthermore, in a school with a total population of 2000, out of the student population are boys and girls of ages between 14-19 . Now, the age is important as it tells the level of maturity however there is an equal amount of boys to girls. It was recorded in the school that 60 % of the students always had fights with the school authorities especially the bus drivers. 40 % of the student population out of courtesy and good decision were able to go through the year with no problems with authorities. We make our decision regardless of the fact that we living with our parents or not but the 60% of the student population did not value the important of the elderly, it might seem harmless today but will go to the ends of the world to harm you, especially with students thinking of colleges. Also, if not college it might end up hurting you when you applying for a job not forgetting the law of Carma. " It is a strategy for social interaction." This seems to be the hard point of being nice. Why? this is about either you being nice to co-workers to keep a job or loose it. Even in the world of romance, sometimes you have to sacrifice your hatred for an annoying mother-in-law or even an ex. The world is made up of people who either like or dislike you, however it is important for individuals to know that out of jealousy people could be rude to you in order for you to quite so they could take up your position. When i was a kid i was very weak in French however, there were people who always did great but despite their attitude towards me, i always wanted to get good grades however i focused on what i wanted and acted nice even though i didnot like them. Later i became one of the best students in french. It is a strategy to stay focused on your life. "It is not a character trait" but a culture.Why? just like the fact that if your father it doesnot granty that you are destined to be president , it is a way of life (culture) People who are nice may be nice because their parents are nice people and they learned from them but some kids have not so nice parents but have nice characters because the learnt that it is a decision and it is a strategy for social interaction. However, it is to these reasons that I second the quote by Robert Greene regardless of the surroundings because I think being nice opens opportunities for individuals.
ReplyDelete“Niceness is a decision. It is a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait." -Rovert Greene
ReplyDeleteWhen I think about this quote I find myself thinking about how I personify this quote almost every day. For instance, I like to consider myself a nice person I rarely talk badly about others I won’t say never because that would be a lie, I help when I can, and I rarely complain. The thing is I do all this when I’m engaging with other people because I don’t want them to think badly about me but because I can rarely control my thoughts they often drift into the not so nice but I often make the conscious decision to ignore those thoughts. However, that all depends on my mind when I’m extremely lethargic or just plain pissed off at the world I will not be so nice. I won’t go around cussing anyone out but I will be less likely to put up with people in general. There are points in time when I find myself giving one word answers and not continuing with a conversation just to avoid the task of being nice. When I get into those kinds of moods making the decision of being nice is an arduous task that I don’t want to make because at those points I don’t care about social interaction. In my worst moods I just want to be alone and leaving talking to a time when I’m feeling a little more productive.
Conversely, the same could be said for people who don’t seem to have a nice bone in their body. We’re all capable of being nice but those people who are just generally mean make the decision not to be just as I do when I’m in a bad mood those people just experience those moods all the time. When people look this genuinely mean it is not because they don’t possess the capability to be nice it is because they make the conscious decision everyday not to be and this could just because they don’t like people, in any instance and to avoid interacting with them they aren’t nice. Just as people who seem nice all the time like people so this use this strategy to garner(see what I did there) more people to surround themselves with. Even though we are told quite often to be nice we ourselves have to make the choice to be so as is the case when one is really nice or really mean. However, we are only really nice when it’s to our advantage just like I only make the decision to be nice when I decide I want to be around people others can do this same but commonly with more malicious intent. For instance, politicians “make nice” or make the decision to be nice when they want votes. They shake the hands and kiss the babies of constituents they want the votes of. Not because it is enthralled in them to be nice because what is the explanation when they do something shady because a character trait is something innate someone we are no matter what and being nice is something we can often ignore. Proving Greene’s statement to be true because there are many times when we use niceness as a strategy even if we don’t recognize it like when we want to make friends, or indulge in a conversation, or impress, or even run for public office we use niceness as a strategy to get the desired result.
Trying not to care if someone feels badly about you is hard. We want to meet the qualifications in our society that we are nice people. But it’s really in mostly everyone’s planner to remind others they interact with that they need to know they are nice.
DeleteWe are born into this world with a clean slate and no certain path on which we are to become as we grow up. Every person is different due to different experiences with society and a different home life. Robert Greene stated, “Niceness is a decision. It is a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait.” When I first read it I didn’t know exactly whether to agree or disagree with this quote. Are people truly nice? Do other people influence someone’s niceness? Are people only nice to certain people? However, after a while I realized that I really do agree with this quote. No one in this world is ever just nice all the time. Of course there are people that tend to be nicer than other people and are characterized as a nice person, but they can’t be nice all the time. The nicest people could also snap. They could also lose patience, which could cause people to see their not so nice side.
ReplyDeleteNiceness isn’t a trait that could fully describe a person and neither is rudeness. To be nice or to be rude is a choice that people have. How they act depends on whom they are talking to and whom they are around. Each and every person might react differently to a person’s niceness or rudeness, but this trait never encompasses the whole personality of one person. It’s sad to think that people aren’t nice all the time, but truth is no one could ever be nice all the time. Being nice all the time could lead to someone taking advantage of this particular trait and make you seem like a person that could easily be pushed around. This is why people do have to show a darker, meaner side sometimes too. Through it all, a person’s decision on how to act should never stand for who the person really is.
Being nice is a strategy of social interaction and it is evident when people first meet each other. There’s this one person that when I first met truly seemed like one of the nicest people I have ever met. For a while this person did seem like a truly genuine person. Then I saw their true colors. This person turned out to be one heck of a person that I did not want to deal with. The person was a totally mean person that would exaggerate every little thing that you did wrong. This person made other people feel bad for them whenever they got into an argument with someone else and made themselves feel like the most harmful, nice little thing on this Earth. I believe that this person is really good at being nice to people they first meet, so they could have a good first impression. Until now people, who haven’t known this person for very long, come up to me and say, “What do you find so bad about this person? They’re so nice.” Oh if they only knew whom this person really was. I know that this person isn’t exactly a horrible human being, but they truly display someone whom I believe is the epitome of someone who uses niceness as a strategy of social interaction.
To be nice is a decision, just like what Robert Greene said. Being nice doesn’t exactly mean that someone is a nice person, it just means that at that certain time and place, that person decided to be nice. Being nice is not a trait to describe someone’s character, as it is something that could be turned on and off. No person is ever always nice. To be nice is a decision that people make to be able to interact with their peers. Just like Greene said, “Niceness is a decision. It is a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait.”
I’m pretty sure I read this quote about 20 times before I actually understood what it meant. What I got from this quote is that it’s saying that niceness is a decision; it is not something you are born with, and it is not a trait in your DNA. This quote says that if you want to be nice you can, and if you don’t want to be nice you don’t have to. It is ultimately your decision to be nice or to not be nice to people but you have to be prepared for the consequences. If you are not nice to someone, they most likely will not be nice back; it’s as simple as that. So with that being said, I do agree with what this quote says. The way you act towards others is completely a personal decision. If being nice was a trait then someone would be either nice all time or not nice all the time, but people are not like this. Sometimes a person is nice and sometimes that person is not nice, no one is nice all the time. I often find myself being mean and expressing my feelings towards someone in a negative way. I try really hard to be optimistic and see the cup as half full rather than half empty but sometimes that is really hard. I am constantly trying to remind myself to be nice to everyone, because even though I wish I was, I was not born with a “nice person trait”.
ReplyDeleteThe reason why someone acts mean and not nice toward you could be many different things. One thing could be the mood they are in. Things go wrong in my life, just like anyone else’s lives. We all make mistakes and get angry and act mean towards others because that’s how humans are. We all need to learn to look at our mistakes in life and learn from them, rather than get upset over them and take out our anger on others. There is also another factor to this concept which is, the way a person treats you. I feel as though if someone is mean to you, you should leave it alone and walk away because you never know what they’re going through in their life. If you’re mean back to them they might do something crazy like hurt themselves and I absolutely hate when I hear about teenagers hurting themselves. Recently a friend of one of my friends almost killed herself because of the way her classmates acted toward her. This is a horrible thing, and it can all be avoided if everyone was nice to everyone. So when someone is mean to you, I think you should be nice to them and show them kindness because you never know what they are going through. Being nice could save someone’s life. Another factor on why someone acts mean is because it’s something you are taught as a kid. If you have parents that are super nice and scold you for being mean then you are most likely going to be a genuinely nice person. On the other hand if you have rude parents that are mean to everyone, since you grew up seeing that you are most likely going to be a mean person. Although there could be someone that completely defies this logic and is nice although their parents are mean. Ultimately, when it all comes down to it, niceness is a choice.
When I read this quote, I didn't get it at first. How is niceness a decision? Shouldn't everyone just be nice by human nature? Then I realized how naive I was to believe that. So to this quote my mind actually at first disagreed then agreed. Here's why: in my childhood I was always taught to be nice. Share, always say nice things and help others. Simple stuff right? Well, as we grow up we start to realize that it can be arduous to be nice. Especially when Kartik is around, but that's a completely different topic. As we see more of the world and mature in our view of it, we see the realities of the world. We see how some people are just not good people, being nice is not who they are. We just honestly have some bad people. Although there are some people who just seem to be entirely nice. So my first thought only saw who I deemed to be nice.
ReplyDeleteTo me, everyone is nice. No one is mean, they just have their moments. Human nature is to be nice. Then as my brain thought about it more, I realized the reality of the world. Not everyone is nice, being nice is not human nature. Maybe at one point it was, but now I don't believe it is and that saddens me. There are some very terrible people who deserve to be castigated for their actions yet live in luxury. But on the other side of the spectrum, there's extremely nice people who don't get what they deserve. So in short, my opinion of this quote actually varies by part. "Niceness is a decision", this is true, not everyone is nice or good to others because they chose to care only for themselves. "It is a strategy of social interaction", I don't agree with this. Most people who are nice do it to better others and just be a good humam being. It is not a strategy, it is just being a good person. "It is not character trait", I also disagree with this. Being nice is a testament to your good character, it always has been.
Really loving the use of vocab words lol but do you associate being nice with the good of human nature? What is your definition of "being nice"? Is it to compliment someone? Is it to be honest with them? Is being nice superficial or a feeling as rewarding as doing good? I don't know your blog made me think of all these questions. Veryyyyy provoking Dan lol
DeleteThis quote really does challenge our early-conceived notions of what it means to be nice and good. I love the Kartik allusion btw. I feel as though niceness isn't a characteristic, but having a tendency to be nice is. Just as some people are more aggressive than others. I feel like that aspect of it is genetically built into us.
DeleteI think it’s interesting that at first you did not agree with the quote and then agreed with it. I also said that being nice partly depends on the way you grew up. If you have nice parents that teach you to be nice all the time of course you are going to be nice. So you think that it’s second nature to be nice and not exactly a decision because you’ve grown up that way. But there are also people that have not grown up with these types of parents; some people have parents who are not nice. As we get older we all ultimately make a decision whether we want to act nice or not and it’s our choice now not our parents choice. Overall your post was really good and I definitely agree with it.
DeleteI like your everything on this, showing your own inner conflict caused by preconceived ideas clashing with your own perceptions was really awesome. Though i do believe niceness is a character trait, one that can be emulated or faked, but also one that is genuine in some.
DeleteDan I totally agree with you on the topic of Kartik. But back to the topic really I agree that being nice is not human nature and that is sad. But I disagree with you on the fact that it is not a character trait. Because everybody does at least one nice thing in his or her life time regardless of anything, but the character trait is kind of determined by what other thinks of you. As such people may like you and say you are nice but other may not like you and say you are a jerk. So niceness isn’t really a character trait because everybody opinion is different and your character is kind of determine by other opinion of you. Overall great job on the blog.
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ReplyDeleteI enjoy how you start this post. By talking about how you treat different people in different ways, you opened the doors to transition to what you got from this quote. I can completely relate to when you talk about speaking more gently to people you know yet sarcastic to those you don't.
DeleteRobert Greene said that “Niceness is a decision. It is a strategy of social interactions; it is not a character trait.” In simpler words he means to say that niceness is something you choose to bring into your life and it is not something you are born with. Apparently we chose to display niceness when we find it necessary in our daily “social interactions.”
ReplyDeleteSadly Greene is correct on what he states. For instance, I am not a people person. But that doesn’t mean I just straight up hate people. Though there are times where I wish to punch and kick at someone and scream “I hate you!”, but I’ll probably never do it. The reason being is that to openly beat the living day lights out of someone is looked down upon in our lovely society. And I’m quite sure I want to be known as “nice” and “kind”. Those times where I want to punch and kick I really just ignore it and suck it up and be nice. Mostly out of my understanding nature of knowing that people are just awful. But also in my “social interactions” all I care about is what that person in front of me thinks about me. I want that person to not think poorly of me at all costs (well almost). Then I ponder on about that special group of people who are just loving the mean streak. We are taught to be nice or else. Or else what? It’s our personal decision to be a serious jerk or not. We enable ourselves to be cruel to one another because we chose to do so. We made that decision.
That decision we make though is usually mostly to benefit us in some way. The niceness that is used among us is definitely a strong tool. When one of us wants something of course we become gregarious and nice in high hopes the end result is the anticipated one. From this it’s become difficult to see through what real kindness is. This strategy we humans have created is this mask of niceness that is transparent to us if we aren’t closely analyzing. Doesn’t mean there’s no sincerely nice people though. We just become so accustomed to often using our niceness for personal gain rather than to structure a “good” life.
You touched upon an important point -- we are socially driven to be nice. It is almost the expectation. I suppose that stems from the almighty morals education that comes so early in life. It's sort of amazing how the seemingly meaningless things we are taught as early children can have such a palpable effect on the society as a whole.
DeleteWe are erroneously apt to describing someone as “nice”, suggesting that there is a sect of people who are incapable of being nice. I feel as though calling someone nice is tantamount to saying that person has a propensity to be nice to others. This stems from the idea Robert Greene propagates in the quote “Niceness is a decision. It is a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait”. As humans, we all have the capacity to be nice to one another. Whether we choose to do so is entirely our prerogative. This is the essence of the quote. I wholeheartedly agree with this insight.
ReplyDeleteMy father had always taught me that every conversation I have should end with the other person feeling better about themselves. Not only is it a sure fire way to placate discontented associates, but it also serves to boost the self-confidence of people who are constantly put down and compared. In many ways, my dad was teaching me a “social strategy”. My dad taught me that antagonizing another person should always be the path of last resort. As the progressive leader William Allen White said, “We all have weaknesses. But I have figured that others have put up with mine so tolerantly that I would be less than fair not to make a reasonable discount for theirs.”
I always wondered why he had been so adamant that I adopt such a strategy. As I learned more about my father, it turns out it was my dad’s biggest weakness. My father is extremely antagonist. Invariably, this quality allowed him to escape abject poverty and avoid manipulation, but resulted in many missed opportunities in the higher echelons of society, where the people were far most polished and accepting of the “nice” strategy.
Regardless of the rationale, what it comes down to is that people like it when others are nice to them. Applying Matthew 7:12, it makes sense that this “nice” social strategy would be most conducive to success, if we first accept the postulate that cooperation and coalescence are necessary to happy lives.
This may be sort of random but your response provides the perfect explanation as to why i have such hope for the world. People generally see me as a cynic but i do have faith in humanity and that is because as you said, we all have the capacity to be nice, now our definitions of nice differ but i still believe that this idea that people have the capacity for wonderful and kind things. Given the opportunity humans can be friendly, kind, and loving. This is because we are have the capacity for any social trait we desire.
DeleteMost people know that I am stressed out all the time. I'm always running to get things done and go from one place to the next. This lifestyle has worsened the farther I got into high school. So to be irritable and a downer towards things has been a common factor in my outlook lately because I am bogged down by so many other things. But this quote makes me want to make a conscious effort on how I act towards others. I used to gain so much pleasure in making someone else's day, and I'm sure I was much more nice when I had less to worry about. I really want to try to not give in to the easiness of just not being nice. This prompt remind me of a sotry I had read about an old Cherokee telling his grandson that within us all, there is a battle between two wolves. One is Evil. It's anger and jealousy and lies and ego. The other is Good. It's joy and kindness and empathy. But when the boy asks his grandfather which wolf wins the battle, the grandfather simply replies "The one you feed."
ReplyDeleteI can definitely say that I act a certain way towards the sweet old lady at the supermarket. I can absolutely claim that I may roll my eyes at the kid behind me on the airplane that kicked my seat...again. I may speak in softer tones to people I enjoy being around, instead of my sarcastic attitude towards the general population.
To be nice, like Greene said, "is a strategy of social interaction, not a character trait."
Being nice is a choice someone makes if they want to make a good impression on the people surrounding them. Kind gestures and friendly mannerisms aren't in anyone's DNA and they are not always a factor in everyone's day. There is not one person on this Earth that can conclude that they are always nice. It's not possible.
I am a firm believer in treating someone the way they treat you. Many times I have been called a "very nice girl", but I can assume that whatever individual made that conclusion was good-natured towards me, or they probably wouldn't have experienced the same feedback.
However, I can find myself being a hypocrite with that mindset because I often find myself being kind towards people I don't particularly like. In doing so, I don't think I'm being dishonest or "fake." I guess to be nice is also a level of maturity that people can possess. Being kind towards others is something we are taught as kids and growing up, it's something that is thought to build character. So I can definitely see why this choice can be mixed up with a trait. Being nice is a choice we choose to make, and choosing otherwise can sometimes make very bold statements. However, the level of kindness a person shows another being without any expectations of the same treatment in return is a very hard thing to come by and maintain and is part of a personality that I wish to convey all the time.
Maggie, I really like your post and I can relate to it completely. With all the stress in our lives as students it’s almost like we don’t have time to be nice anymore. We are all so caught up in the worries of our own lives that we are unable to be nice and help others with their problems. This doesn’t mean that you’re a mean person it means you human. I am glad that you’ve decided you want to be a nicer person after reading this prompt. I also am going to try to be nicer.
DeleteBeing nice to someone is to show respect, be polite and other fake things. When being nice to someone I feel you’re wearing a mask. To describe your action as being nice you have to be withholding some judgmental or rude/inappropriate opinion. If you weren't masking those opinions you would just be talking to the person; your action would be friendly, not nice. This action of niceness is not genuine; it can’t be a character trait. However, I do think it is necessary in the social world we live in today. Although niceness may have been a mask, forced on, used for the manipulation of people, I think it has changed into a self-defense mechanism; protecting us from emotional damage. Protecting not only us, but the other person. I don’t think I’m ever nice to people besides when you’re a stranger to me. I would mostly describe myself as kind, no fake feelings here. For example, if someone says “Oh Danielle, that sweater is really cute!” I’ll respond by saying “Thank you! I know I love it so much.” I mean duh I think it’s cute, why else would I have bought it? But thank you for agreeing with me. I’m not going to sit there and bless you first born child for complimenting me and I’m not going to act like I wasn’t aware it was cute like nice people would. However, I will not say anything mean, rude, ignorant or disrespectful. Those thoughts I keep to myself. It’s a nice balance that takes people by surprise a lot. To me, niceness doesn't require your full heart and I like to put my heart into everything, so the niceness front that “everyone” has acquired just isn't for me. #SorryNotSorry
ReplyDeleteI'm happy someone was able to explain this feeling well because my response was all over the place. If i had been able to concentrate i would have written something more like this. So thanks for explaining this the way you did because i agree. Maybe this will be seen as cynical but i think it is just realistic, we are all just partial representations of ourselves because the world tells us some thoughts should not be voiced.
DeleteDanielle I truly love the fact that you included the wearing a mask. I agree that people are hiding themselves from other behind a mask and in this case behind niceness. What I get from here is that you are truly nice in the fact that you care about others. Because you may think that you are being harsh but it the feeling behind the word that matter. In this case of you don’t want to hurt the other person. Overall great job on this blog.
DeleteI don't think being nice is a mask, because I know I can't help it, just like others. However I do agree with your statement of being nice is a form of respect. It automatically shows the person you mean no harm and you're just trying to be yourself and be quaint.
DeleteIf I didn’t actively remind myself everyday (more like every couple minutes) to be nice I probably would not have any friends. I enjoy seeing my friend’s smile so being nice isn’t hard but it is unnatural. Now I’m not saying that I would be mean if I didn’t tell myself to be nice but I would be a very big social outcast. For me being nice and being social go hand and hand, when I am nice I am being social and if I have to interact with someone when I am not in the mood to be social they are probably going to feel like they are talking to a cynical robot. So yeah basically I am not innately nice. I don’t think many people are, being nice for me and the few people I have talked to about this is very much a decision. I am aware that if I want to keep the friends I have and gain new ones that I cannot just be my usual not so warm self. It is sort of like putting on a mask every morning, I don’t exactly play a character but the person I am in school is a filtered version of me. Niceness is sort of like a net that catches all the less than ideal thoughts and things I could say. It keeps me from getting myself in trouble because unless you are really close to me, you will probably get offended by many of the things I say, normal me is not big on sympathy or sugar coating things but social, school me is. Honestly I am not very good at filtering things though because more often than not my cynical thoughts still get out; it’s just not natural to keep those types of thoughts in. I should probably explain what I mean by nice because I still haven’t done that. When I say nice I mean patient and friendly. The second part of that is easy the first part not so much. I have this thing where if you don’t prove to me that you are worth listening to in 30 or so seconds I probably won’t listen to you talk anymore. Now I fool people by still smiling and being friendly but every time they talk it’s like the teacher from Charlie Brown is speaking. Maybe this makes me a bad person but I really don’t care, because this way of living has not failed me. As long as I am friendly then It doesn’t matter if I don’t really listen because a fake smile and eye contact will get you very far, or not…what do I know?
ReplyDeleteSorry for being all over the place with this response to whoever bothers to read it.
DeleteI was actually just ranting about this the other day, in a bit of a different light. Someone told me that if I were ever elected a tennis captain it would be only because people liked me – only because I was nice. What. Is that my only redeeming quality? This offended me not just because it made me extremely self-conscious and do an unnecessary amount of inner reflection, but because I hated the word nice. To me, it has no meaning. When you call someone ‘nice’ it’s probably only because you don’t know them well enough to say anything else. ‘Nice’ is general, and everyone is ‘nice’. It’s a silly, empty word, and I hate it.
ReplyDeleteBut in a way that person was somewhat right of course, because I like being nice. I strive to be an at least somewhat pleasant person, but it really isn’t forced. The things I do are not for the explicit purpose of getting people to like me. I just think that a lot of the time there’s no reason to act any way else. The way I define nice really is just pleasant, and I think people should try to be polite and helpful when they can afford to be, so maybe it is a strategy of social interaction in that it’s an expectation pretty much everyone has to fulfill to get along. There is no not-being-nice. We’re taught from a young age how to play with others, and share and so on, so we’re conditioned into systematically just being good to one another. That’s really all it is, but that’s probably not a very optimistic way of looking at it.
I was just always taught to equate nice with good, and I was the lame sort of kid who always tried to please, so there that is. It’s just how I am by this point. Usually when people are annoying, unless they’re my younger brother, I’m able to keep myself from completely freaking out. I have to be pretty close to someone to even consider going through the trouble of arguing (so if I’ve ever seriously been angry with you, it could be a sign that I just love you very much, so cheer up), so when I do it can be pretty bad. But basically there’s nothing wrong with being nice. But it’s not really a trait to me, just a common behavior of most civilized people. As much as I may want to at any time, the trouble I would get into for being anything other than nice just isn’t worth it. It just causes strain on relationships and makes things unnecessarily worse than however they may already be. Even as a kid that was the attitude I had, in my own screwed-up little way. I played with those kids no one else wanted to, and I sat next to the weird kid in my class because my teacher asked me to, but sometimes I also just smacked kids because for whatever reason I thought that was a friendly thing to do. My family sends a lot of mixed signals. Hah. But that was what I thought being nice was, in my young understanding. I just thought that everyone should have someone to talk to. Ain’t I coot.
Taty great job on this blog. You really made me think about what I wrote and I have to say that I am starting to rethink my inner reflection on this topic. I am just speechless because you are a really nice person because my definition is any action that a person does without getting any benefit. Compare to you I am a horrible person I mean think of friendship as a business arrangement in that I scratch your back you scratch mine. But you are really a nice person. Overall great job on the blog. I love the fact that you are optimistic on the fact that the world should be nice regard less of anything.
DeleteAfter looking and examining the quote I determine that the world doesn’t have genuine niceness. The term niceness for me is difficult because my definition of niceness is any action done by any person without any benefit. Based off of this idea then nobody is really nice because every one benefit from this notion of “acting nice”. So being nice is a decision since behind every action involving a person being nice, mean that there is an ulterior motive. I will admit however there are moments in life that contains people who act and are genuinely nice but for the most part there is always a motive for being nice. People may act nice but that doesn’t mean that niceness is a their character trait. Robert Greene quote is "Niceness is a decision. It is a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait.” If a person wants a friends then acting nice will leaves a good impression on people so by acting nice people will makes friends, which is there ulterior motives. A person can be nice in front of their friends and also a jerk in front of other and still be characterized as being nice. This is because of their social interaction because their character is only determine by their acquaintances and as such they are only nice in front of those acquaintances. As such it doesn’t mean that a person isn’t nice because there are other factors that can determine how a person may act in front of others. Like mood, events, and the other person attitude.
ReplyDeleteThe decision to be nice is also applied to family members instead of just friends. But with this decision to be nice to family isn’t just to make a good impression but out of obligation. People always feel, as they own something to their parents because the person was raised by them and care for by them so they feel obliged to them and a way to show it is by being nice. That how I feel with my parents that they raised and care for me that I have to act nice and respect them.
In my life I can say that I am not genuinely nice, but that I just act nice. Whenever there is a situation that requires a person help to do something I will always accept. This is because if I help someone then that means I have created an unspoken favor that I can use in times of need. However I will always do everything by myself because if I asked for help then that means another unspoken favor is created and I kind of own them for it. I am the type of person who hates the feeling of being in someone else debt. I want to stray from this idea of me, but after countless years of acting like this it comes like a bad habit. I truly wish that I can be nice to everyone and not feel like a person own me or I own him or her a favor. Overall I feel that niceness is just a decision that everybody has an ulterior motive for being nice and that people aren’t genuinely nice. I wish I can change but it will be a long time before that can happen because it just comes naturally.
Niceness is a way of social interaction- to benefit maybe your social ranking, or to benefit your confidence. Nobody is just nice because they are born nice. There is always a background reason for why they are friendly with the others around them. I'm told I'm nice, from people who are friends with me. But there's always reasons for that. It's so that people don't bash your personality behind your back, or so people don't not like you. I am nice for various reasons. I know what it feels like to not be nice to, or to be treated wrong, so I want to treat others the way I want to be treated. Being nice is more of a habit. Some people are genuinely nice, but others are nice maybe because they're parents have molded them into that being. At times I can be a people pleaser- too nice. I never want to disappoint, and maybe that's the character trait behind my niceness. However, when the time comes, I know when I need to stop being "too" nice. With team sports, I am not too nice, I need to be looked at as a leader, just like in student council and junior class. Yes, I have sportsmanship, but I also take charge with things that I have to. Other times I'm completely oblivious to people walking all over me- and I don't know what trait that is. All I know is that being nice is 100% a choice, that has molded into a habit for some. It's a way of social interaction- to better yourself in your social "ranking." It's the aspect of you that makes up a persons mind about you. I like being nice, and I'm going to continue that, within my social interaction of the people around me.
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