As a kid, I moved around A LOT. It wasn't until I was 15 and a sophomore in high school that I was ever in the same school for more than a year. Because of this--well, because of many things but this is just easier to point a finger at--I have never been able to go back to a place where I lived and say, "This was my home--I belonged here." Because of this, I posit that feeling as though we belong somewherehas a tremendous impact on who we are and who we may one day become.
The need to belong is embedded in most people's genetic make-up. Abraham Maslow, a renowned psychologist who conceptualized what is now known as an individual's "Hierarchy of Needs,” reasoned that the need to belong is third on the pyramid to a fulfilling life (the first two are pretty basic--physiological and safety needs), and without that feeling, we simply cannot advance, grow or ever fully become the people we are destined to be.
So--what do you think? Do you, at the young and impressionable age of 16 or 17, feel the inherent need to belong? I bold that because feeling the need and feeling that you actually DO belong are sometimes two very different things. The most popular people you can imagine, the ones who are in every club, do every sport, go to every party--do you think THEY feel as though they belong?
If you feel like you do belong somewhere--where is it? What makes you feel that way? What does that sense of belonging do for you and your self-esteem?
If you don't feel as though you belong somewhere--why not? What do you feel is missing? Are you misunderstood, undervalued, overlooked? What does NOT feeling like you belong do for you and your self-esteem?
A lot to ponder over--trust me, I know. Give it some thought and tell me about it.
When I was in elementary school, I moved a few times, so I sort of knew how it felt to cross between different towns and schools and feel unwanted. I feel the need to belong because it brings comfort, but I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. This past Saturday, I was obligated to go to my cousin’s birthday party which was a typical Mexican party—there was a mariachi band, cousins I haven’t seen in more than five years, cousins I don’t talk to because I don’t know what to talk to them about, and a clown performance. During the entire party I didn’t move a hair. I sat exactly where I was when I arrived. I didn’t greet anyone; I didn’t start a conversation with any of my cousins, and I didn’t feel like I was supposed to be there. As soon as I got to the car, my parents started to yell at me and correct me on everything at the party, which wasn’t the first time. My parents said that everyone looked at me differently because I looked like I wasn’t part of the family and I wasn’t talking to anyone. From reading the blog questions, I can totally relate to all the times I didn’t feel like I belonged with my own race and extended family. All the times I felt like I didn’t belong with my family made me feel uncomfortable and awkward.
ReplyDeleteI think that the people who spend their time at every party, football game, or social event belong because they are comfortable and wanted. People who constantly go to these events must really feel belonged if they spend their time at these events weekly or daily. From another perspective, I guess people who go to parties all the time only go for the fun and action and “think” they belong. There’s probably a missing piece in these people that brings them to these events, and the time spent at any event doesn’t bring their missing piece, so they yearn for more and wander to different places and parties to find the missing piece.
I don’t think I found the place where I belong yet—maybe I don’t have a place where I belong. I have felt a bit of being wanted, and I thought I felt like I belonged somewhere. I guess there’s still a place where I still haven’t discovered. I think that there’s a reason why I, or anyone for this matter, say they don’t belong is because there’s still a place that isn’t discovered. There are so many people who spend all their time trying to fit in or belong and never get what they want. I’m always misunderstood, undervalued, overlooked which is stressful, but I guess it defines me as a person and makes me better understand people’s thoughts than myself.
I can 100% relate to how you felt when you would move school to school because thats exactly how i felt. It is difficult at a young age and it causes not only stress and anxiety especially when you feel unwanted in your family as well.
DeleteDavid I know exactly how you feel. Even if they are my own blood, sometimes I can't help but feel like I have no place at all in my own family. However, in the end they will be the one that will be there for you so no matter how awkward and unwanted you may feel, they're the ones that you should know that will always unconditionally love you. (:
DeleteDavid, I know what it’s like to have your family see you and instantly question why you’re “different.” My cousins and I on a regular basis are reminded of how different we are and have been compared my entire life. However, being different from the “status quo” (not a high school musical pun I promise) in my opinion is a gift. I know you can feel left out but I think it’s an even worse feeling knowing that the people we are supposed to belong to the most are sometimes the ones that are the most unreceptive. If being different means that we can have a better grasp of who we are as individuals and find an even deeper feeling of contentment, the opinions of other people don’t matter. I know you feel misunderstood and undervalued but you shouldn’t because you have so much to offer as a person.
DeleteI feel the same way as well, when I'm with my cousins. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong with them because me and them can't have anything to relate to. I always felt like me and my cousins can never start up an actually conversation together.
DeleteDavid I completely agree with you when you say that there are the people that actually belong that are in every club, go to every game, and play sports, but then there are the people that go because they think they belong and force themselves to do these things because they are missing that feeling of belonging.
DeleteDavid, yes I can see where you are coming from, as I posted on my blog I actually wanted to fit in with certain groups of people, but in reality I was already in with those that meant the most to me. I find that being around people who you can be comfortable with and relate to really has a huge factor on things. So okay, you may feel as if you have not found or discovered that place of where you feel you belong but you will! As long as you can be yourself and are comfortable with yourself I think that is the most important thing!
DeleteI haven’t felt the need to belong in a really long time I believe the last time was when I was in third grade and had no one to sit with. But whether its school, band or crew I have always felt a part of something where people would look at me as an equal because as long as I’m trying my best and fully invested in what I’m doing I know it’s where I belong. These activities I’m in and the classes I take are by choice and as long I can share something with these people I’m never out of place. I believe people are popular do feel like they belong because whenever they do something they always have friends and by going to every party and doing every sport they’re just adding to the people who know and want them there. I think that’s why I do feel like I belong because I have always ventured into activities where people work together and have one goal. So I have never felt like an outsider because in both band and crew we all need each other and there’s no room for people to feel left out. In these activities I constantly feel as though I am needed and that my place cannot be overlooked so I am always confident in what I do and if I’m not I work at it because ultimately I feel like that activity is where I do belong and in making a difference in it I’m worthy of being there. In writing this I noticed that my feeling of belonging comes from not only the people there but also my impact in the area that I’m in.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you that being a part of clubs and activites make you feel like you belong because you are with a group of people that share the same interest. I can completly relate to that cause sports is all i do. I wasn't sure if i could write "LOL" after what i just wrote but I had an erge.
DeleteI think it’s really interesting how you link your belonging to the impact that you leave behind in your various activities and in your life. Your confidence in yourself and the things that you love will get you so far in life because you don’t need other people’s opinions to mold who you should be. I really admire that quality in you.
DeleteI can relate to the fact that being part of activities gives you a sense of belonging. Being in crew along with you we shared a common interest and goal. That alone makes feeling belonged very easy.
DeleteTamirah I really like how you thought about the other purpose of joining clubs. I forgot that being in a team help people connect with one another. All sports require a team whether it is a team sport or an individual person sports because the team could help with cheering, training, and assisting. Being a part of a team will cause every single member to feel needed which is a feeling that everyone enjoys. I really like how you blog told the story that being in a club or sports mean that no one get left behind and people feel needed. So all I can say is that great on this blog.
DeleteI think it’s good that you’ve always felt as if you belonged. As you did, ever since I’ve ventured into different clubs, sports, and activities, I’ve always been surrounded by people who want me there. I feel like I’m needed and that I’m making a difference. I personally believe that our sense of “belonging” contributes to our self confidence. The more involved you are, the more important you feel. It’s honestly our own personal choices that dictate our sense of “belonging.” If we occupy our time and surround ourselves with people who share common interests, we’ll feel as if we belong. If we separate ourselves from others, we’ll take the look of an outsider and enjoying life gets harder.
DeleteYour first sentence gave me flashbacks of when we were little kids trying to find out whom our friends are going to be. I can relate to your point that trying your best and being fully invested in the activity you’re in makes you feel as though you belong. The people in a team might not exactly have similarities in personalities, but they all share the same goal. Everyone in a team strives for success and this common goal leads to every person feeling as though they belong. If we all surround ourselves with people who share the same goal, then we will feel as though we belong.
DeleteBelonging to something, someone, or some place is an essential part of being happy because it is that belonging that makes life have a purpose. Different people will differ in opinions over whether it is more important to have a purpose to a person, place or thing but it can’t be denied that some form of fellowship is necessary. Even at my age, I “feel the need” so to speak. Now granted, at my age there aren’t very many legitimate things to belong to because our world bounds are as extensive as Oakcrest’s school grounds. However, even those small things like feeling affiliation in a small group of friends has a huge impact on us. Even though I probably shouldn’t say, feeling like I belong has been a big issue for me. Lately some of my closest friends have been giving me a cold shoulder. I think it is this lack of belonging that makes me feel belonging is so important. Like the saying goes, you never know what you have until you lose it. Beyond my friends, I don’t know if there is anything else out there that a 16 year old girl can belong to. Of course there’s family, but for those of you who know my family, you would understand why I don’t count it as a place to belong. For those of you who don’t know my family, just take my word for it.
ReplyDeleteI do look at the popular people and think they have a sense of association because that is part of being popular, lots of people associate with you. Ever heard of the popular girl with no friends? I haven’t. I almost think of the ability of popular people to affiliate with others like gravity. One they start a following, they just gain momentum and before you know it, you can’t go through one day of school without hearing their name. I find that even if some of these friendships aren’t genuine, they are still associations, just not by normal definitions. But allow me to clarify, I am by no means saying popular people involve themselves in fake relationships (I don’t have the insight to say that). All I am saying is that in the event a relationship is fake or fragile, it still counts.
When it comes to what a sense of belonging does to your self-esteem I think the answer varies depending on the person. If you don’t like crowds and are better off with a small group of friends then having that low degree of fellowship won’t bother you. But if you’re the social butterfly, few friends may cause you to feel down because you want to be friends with more people. Additionally, an important clause of my whole “belonging theory” is that being liked and feeling like you belong are two completely different things just like feeling the need to belong and actually belonging are different. This is why I often don’t feel like I belong. I know people like me, I’m a nice person. But when it comes to those people extending friendship, people are sometimes mum. In other cases friendship offers come with strings attached. I do feel down when I don’t feel like I belong. To be quite frank, with what else can a teenager occupy their mind? We come with only so much capacity for school work. All individual factors being considered, feeling like you belong is to feel a purpose in life and that is why it is so important and has such a big effect on us.
Your “belonging theory” is quite similar to my beliefs on belonging. I thought I was the only person who didn’t feel belonged to their own family. I don’t know anything about your family or background because I guess the experiences we faced are quite similar. I can totally relate to the friend experience because there are times where anyone believes that belonging with a certain group of people makes them feel comfortable or belonged, but at the end goes to pieces. People who are said to “belong” to any group or society still go through the same experiences because of they believe they belong. I think that there are people who don’t belong to a particular group but still are in a particular group because they feel like they do. I think “belonging” to anything shouldn’t define you as a person because being a mirror of someone else is arbitrary.
DeleteI never thought about the fact that most of our feelings of belonging are based on relationships but it's true unless you're a loner like me. But if you're not and most people aren't when you have friends in something you do or in school you feel like you belong. If you don't you are left thinking no one understands you because you have no one to relate to.
DeleteYou enlightened me with a new perspective. I never though about our feelings of belonging are based of relationships. Great response! (Smiley Face)
DeleteI really like the part where you said that belonging means different things to different people. I know from personal experience that while some people need to have all the friends in the world and never be alone to feel like they belong. On the other hand, someone could feel like they belong just as much with one or two close friends that they see sometimes. II really liked how this was written, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it!
DeleteLike you, i think that belonging to something; a relationship, sports, a friend group or a religion, it does give purpose to your life. I think it motivates us to be good humans.
DeleteHonestly I believe that everyone needs to feel that they belong somewhere. For me, I never really belonged with anyone in school. I never really had a huge group of friends that truly liked me. I never really felt as though I needed to belong. I never actually liked the idea of belonging to a big crowd of friends. I’m sure that the people that have a lot of friends and are popular at school feel as though they belong, because they do belong. Being popular and having a lot of friends never appealed to me though, I like being by myself and doing things on my own. I feel as though by yourself you get more accomplished in your life, because you’re not worried about what your group of friends is doing. I guess I never really feel lonely though because I have dance. Two years ago I started going to a new dance studio called Encore. No one there liked me at all; I felt left out and like they all just didn’t want me to be there. Not belonging with this group of dancers made me feel horrible inside. The fact that I didn’t belong anywhere at school didn’t really hurt me but the fact that I didn’t belong with the group at Encore made me really upset. Seeing the bond between these dancers made me feel like I was missing a piece of my life. However, over time I slowly began to be accepted by this group. Between all the dance rehearsals and recitals and competitions they started to talk to me and invite me places. Now I finally feel like I belong at Encore and it’s the best feeling in the world. It’s definitely boosted my self-esteem and made me even dance better. I finally feel like I’ve filled that piece of my life that was missing. I feel like I belong because they invite me to sleepovers and help me with my problems and they tell me theirs. Belonging to a group makes you feel comfort and better about yourself and that’s what I feel at dance.
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting that you said for school belonging didn't matter to you and I guess that's true. Something you love and belonging is much more important than belonging in something you have to do. I have never had to deal with that because in everything I do I have had friends involved and it's always been fun and I never felt out of place.
DeleteI seriously admire your independence, Kassidy. The fact that you find success in relying on yourself is admirable and I really wish I could say the same about myself.
DeleteI agree with Maggie in the sense that I admire your independence Kassidy. The way in which you are content in spending time alone and still identify with others is a balance that not many people find because they usually like one or the other. I’m glad that you’ve found a network of people that you can identify with so fully and hope that you can maintain the feeling of contentment that you have now.
DeleteI can really relate to how sometimes being alone is preferable to a large group of people. Although it's always nice to hang out with friends, and to be able to talk comfortably with a lot of people, these sorts of activities are a serious drain on me. Social interaction is best kept short and sweet, in my opinion. I think my parents worry about me a lot because I am often alone, but I feel as though I get enough interaction with my school friends in school, and talking online is a much easier and more comfortable experience. I can also relate to what it's like to feel awkward and left out of a group- it was how I felt until high school, and for most of my life I had been trying to convince myself that I didn't need a huge group of friends. And maybe some people, like you, don't feel that desire as strongly but you do have to admit it makes you feel better about yourself! It's great to hear you have found a group of friends in an activity you enjoy- it would awful to face hostility when you were trying to pursue something you liked.
DeleteI like how you showed that belonging to a new group doesn't just happen overnight. While you may come somewhere, not knowing anybody, it can be really discouraging. But as time goes on, and you become a bigger part of that group, you begin to become more and more accepted, and you start to like the group more and keep doing it, making it a big circle of doing something you like doing and making friends with the people you're doing it with.
DeleteI agree with you on how belonging somewhere is the best feeling in the world. We all try so hard to be accepted by others and when it does happens it's like we're on cloud nine.
DeleteIt’s interesting to see that you don’t care for being in groups of friends at school. But you rather have that group of friends in what you enjoy most which is dance. I can relate to that in how I feel that I belong better with people of common interests too. I also admire how you believe that you can accomplish more by not worrying about friends.
DeleteKassidy your experience is kind of what I said. It takes time for a person to fit in with others. At first everybody you will meet in life will be a stranger, but as you get to know each other and understand one other than friendship will form. It is always easy to fit in with groups of friends other than strangers. Fitting in doesn’t mean that you should be friends with every single person but with a group of people who understand you for who you are. These people will make you feel better about yourself and you will always be comfortable around them.
DeleteAs Maggie and Francesca pointed out, your independence is admirable. It’s quite amusing how you’ve never wanted to be popular, seeing as most of us at one time or another, have wished to be so. It’s great that you have dance to occupy your time and you never really need to worry about having lots of friends. Being a part of a team or club really does give you comfort. I know for me, joining student council and tennis really helped out my confidence. I used to be a shy quiet girl and now I’d like to think I’ve become a more outgoing gutsy girl. I think when you find something that interests you, you should pursue it, because as we both know, you’ll surround yourself with people who share common interests and you’ll make great friends.
DeleteKassidy, I admire your independence I am much like you in that sense because I only really fit in with certain people and most of the people I fit in aren't in school so I completely understand how it feels to not fit in with the majority of people.
DeleteI wish I were a strong, independent woman just like you. I admire you for not thinking that belonging in school is that big of a deal. I like that belonging in a group that was associated with your passion of dancing meant so much more to you. I know how that feels because I felt the same way when I first joined the Praise Team of our church that sings every night. They seemed like such a close-knit group and their acceptance of me boosted my self-esteem and made me more confident in singing. I’m glad that you feel like you belong to a group of dancers and hope that it continues.
DeleteI'm glad you were able to build close relationships with your teammates despite how rough it must have been when you first joined the team. Since you spend so much time together, it's definitely important that you all are close knit. I have come to find that my closest friendships were formed among teammates and it's such a good feeling to know that all of these people with similar interests care about and admire you.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete(corrected version, sorry!)
ReplyDeleteI hate the notion that you have to belong somewhere and fit in to be happy, because it’s a thing so many people struggle with, but I think that that desire really is an inherent part of human nature. I know a lot of people, myself included, went through that embarrassing phase where we thought it was bad to fit in and conform and that friends were unnecessary and popular kids were the worst scourge to roam the earth, etc. etc. But somewhere along the way near the end of that awkward period of time known as middle school, I realized that it's perfectly ok to want to fit in with others because, guess what- it's natural! Humans want to be close to others; we are social by nature and creating bonds with others is an important part of our lives. We are pack animals, you could say. Wanting to fit into a group isn't a bad thing and feeling that you don't belong can be one of the most heart wrenching experiences in the world. However, this is not to say that the actions people take to become part of a group can't be bad, because they certainly can. The desire to belong is so great that some people do go to unhealthy lengths to fulfill it. With all that said, it is not unnatural to feel that need and it's ok to pursue it in a safe and healthy manner. I can freely admit these days that yes, I do feel like I want to belong to certain groups. It's never fun being an outcast, so why would you ever try to force that upon yourself?
Although it's a bit embarrassing to admit, the people I am friendliest with and have the deepest connection with are the friends I've made online. Social media is an amazing way to connect to people who share the exact same interests as you. I've been on Tumblr for a while now, and I've made some of the best friends I've had in a long time on there. Because it's a way to surround yourself with people who share your enthusiasm and to show your own interests, you meet people who you can connect and bond with. Since joining Tumblr and meeting a ton of amazing people, I think I have improved in so many ways, especially emotionally. It has made me feel more confident in who I am as a person, and helped me get a better grasp on who I want to be. In my case, finding a place where I felt comfortable expressing myself and meeting people I could really hit-off with helped improve my self-esteem and mental wellbeing considerably. In that past I have felt that I did not really belong with any of my peers in school and it was a rough few years for me, filled with constant panic attacks and a brief dip into depression. My self-esteem has always been practically non-existent; feeling lost about my place in the world was a big contributor. I felt that it was hard to make friends, and that must be my fault; therefore I must have been a terrible, unlikeable person. I can't even begin to describe how important it is that I finally found a group of people who I felt understood me and had an easy time conversing with. Belonging to a group and having friends is very important to most people, and don't ever be discouraged if you haven’t found a group you feel completely comfortable with yet. If you keep looking eventually you will find the people who you can truly connect with.
I really like the fact that you brought light to the fact that finding a sense of belonging doesn't have to be found in the physical world at all. Being a tumblr user myself, I totally agree where you are coming from when you say that you have met the most incredible people online. In the virtual world, the scary thought of rejection is nonexistent. This allows you to really open up and meet people that you should surround yourself with all the time.
DeleteYour ending was spot on. I always urge people not to give up if they don't fit in anywhere yet. Everyone can fit in somewhere, some people don't even fit in until they head the college or the military or another country even. No one should give us on themselves just because they can't find a group, you're absolutely right, some day they will find people to connect with.
DeleteI never really thought of it that way but you’re so right when you say that belonging is human nature. We all need to feel like we belong somewhere to someone. The fact that some people will do anything for a large group of friends is ridiculous and unhealthy like you said. It’s ok to want to belong but there is a limit on what you will do to achieve this. I also think that it’s awesome that you made so many great friends online. It is definitely a great way to find people with the same interests as you. Everyone is different and if you feel like you belong with the people you met online don’t feel ashamed! A lot of people meet some of their best friends online so don’t ever feel like you don’t belong because you do.
DeleteHonestly, I love your story. I admire your strength. You kept moving forward no matter how difficult things got. You never gave up and look at where you are now. You are genuinely happy, and you have a wonderful group of friends. It doesn't matter where you met them; the only thing that matters is that you found them. You found people who will accept you and have accepted you. Not only do they accept you, but they have also helped you in ways that I can't even imagine partly because I don't know your story in its entirety.
DeleteI was actually sitting next to you when you wrote this. Ha. Hi Paige. But anyway. I do feel like you've changed, and it's certainly for the better. I honestly did use to worry about you, and I'm glad we're closer now and it seems like things are all better. You needed an outlet where you could be both anonymous and well known, and you found it with Tumblr where you're also able to shamelessly show all your opinions and drawings, and I'm happy for you. Moreover I agree wholeheartedly with everything you said, as always. The awkward stage you talked about is kind of a point of shame for many, and I'm glad you pointed it out. And that's a good, happy, truthful note to end on. There's somewhere for everyone and anyone, and we all need to keep that in mind.
DeleteIt is definitely a basic human need to belong. Whether you are a member of a sport, club, activity, gang, cult, knit circle, whatever, everyone wants to belong. The generic staple of this just happens to be parties. Where people with the same mindset just go to belong with each other for an extended period of time. At some point music and booze got involved, but that is beside the point. Parties are what people who belong with each other do, but not going to parties, or football games, or pep rallies, or what have you does not necessarily mean you do not belong anywhere. Belonging can mean a variety of different things to a variety of different people. For me, belonging happens to mean to be accepted.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in middle school, I really didn't belong anywhere. At best, people didn't incredibly mind being around me, but at worst, people would go out of their way to make me miserable. I didn't belong to a single group since none of them seemed to want me, not even the people that would otherwise be considered outcasts. (Don't worry, none of you were the people that were the problem, and even if you were, it was middle school, we were all stupid, including and especially me.) This really affected me later in life. It really makes me worry about what people think of me, to minute levels, because i don't want to go back to that life. But more importantly for this blog, it gave me the looming, dark cloud of a feeling of never belonging anywhere ever. Even when surrounded by friends, I sometimes have the feeling that none of it is genuine, that at any moment, it will be revealed as an elaborate ruse, and I'll be back to being alone, just like that. Now I know that that isn't true, but it is just a fear that sits in the back of my mind at all times. People can spend most of their lives beeing accepted by everyone, ant they take it for granted. The best feeling I ever have is to feel like people actually accept me, and that I belonged, and for a good three years, I was completely lacking that feeling.
So, when I got out of middle school and entered the halls of Oakcrest, the beginning of Freshman year didn't feel too different. Sure, people weren't making fun of me, but I wasn't making too many strides socially either. That is, until around November, when out of a whim, I decided to audition for Grease. This would prove to be the pivotal moment of my high school career. For when I started rehearsing for that show, I made a few decent acquaintances, nobody seemed to be my friend for life, but it was a start. That is when, at the urging of a few of these acquaintances, I decided to go out for one acts, which led me to doing two of them. That is where I wound up making a lot of my closest friends now, as well as being invited to my first legit party ever. This also caused me to do the summer show, where I not only strengthened bonds, with my friends, but I made new ones, not only from Oakcrest, but from Gami and Cedar Creek. These bonds brought me into sophomore year, where I not only succeeded musically and in the drama club, but I got even more friends, and have actually had people include me in their list of closest friends, which no one can fathom how much of a big deal this meant to me. I was finally not only accepted, but loved, and this brings me into junior year, where even people that used to hate me, seem to at least like me a little bit. The cloud is still there, but now I have people to think about and it all goes away. To me, this is what it means to belong, a five year journey that finally came to a happy ending.
It's sad that you felt that way for so long t I'm happy to know you have found people that make you feel like you belong. And I think ultimately once anyone finds that thing that they love to do and people who share the same love you will feel like you belong.
DeleteThomas, I like how your high school story progresses. You once told me that you came to Oakcrest for football but ended up in drama. Life is a funny thing. It's a nice story how you found your calling and what you like to do. I actually think that's the story of high school, finding who we are.
DeleteTom we're good friends now - about to go and be trip buddies in a few hours - and though I know and believe you about how stupid we all were as middle schoolers, I can't say I don't feel a little guilty. Something I pride myself on has always been being fair, but with things being how they were then I can't say I was to you. I'm sorry. You deserve to feel like you belong the same as anyone else, without some nasty cloud. I knew you loved drama, but I didn't think it was such a great deal to you. Now I can properly understand the actual 'passion' you have for it, and I'm glad you found it. I can understand too why you always want others to join. It sounds like something we could all use a little of, if we have the same results as you. Great post.
DeleteBelonging to someone or something is not bad , is a feeling of being nicely welcomed by a particular group of people. People including me, have tried to fit into different types of cultures but the question still remains why I felt the need to be wanted? I spent almost early part of my life living with different places. I never felt the importance of belonging to a group of people. Experience with different people over the years, have helped me identify the essence of belonging to a group. Sometimes, the struggles of life might be too much to carry but with the help of someone you feel comfortable around you can share and hopefully achieve a solution. Without the help of some people in my life including my class mates and teachers it would be hard for me to communicate in class.Furthermore, I have being able to adapt to almost the culture in the United States within a limited time period. We all need help in life. However, on my perspective the best way to address a shortcoming is by asking for help from someone you find trustworthy , this is a form of belonging.
ReplyDeleteWe join clubs for various reasons,a reason I find to supersede every reason is the fact that we feel happy in our various clubs.Sometimes, we all human but there are somethings that insterest you and you would prefer to be with people with same interests. Bestfriend? someone you think you have same preference and you feel sometimes your bestfriend is indirectly your twin, therefore the essence of belonging is established since you share your whole life with your bestfriend.Moreover, we sometimes also require adaptation in order you can belong to a society which u base my point on a famous quote,"when you go to Rome , do what the Romans do." This however explains my point that you also have to adapt in order to be part of a group of people. I have being to three countries ( Ghana,England and the United States) and I think too many movement can prevent someone from having friends or a memory home which saw him/ her grow up. There is nothing like home, home sweet home.
Stav, I defiantly think that belonging to something has to have trust. without trust you feel as though you cant be yourself. Belonging to a club or activity is only for you and your interests, whereas when you trust someone you are your true self, where you belong.
DeleteI find it rather fascinating that you feel as though you don't need to belong to a particular group or people. I can't seem to fathom this concept; I feel as though everyone is constantly trying to belong to something. This could be what I see in myself and I'm probably expecting others to mirror this behavior. I am extremely proud of your confidence and I hope to gain some kind of confidence in the future. Your post has really got me thinking!
DeleteAs a kid I was forced to grow up very quickly. When my parents got divorced I was only five. It caused me to have to adapt to the new friends, new school and new life. I moved a lot growing up and growing up I never had anything particurally that was stable in my life. Moving school to school and having to say goodbye to old friends to make new ones was hard and at a young age of course you feel the need to belong. At the age of 15 I finally felt stable. I returned to the town where I was born, where the beginning of my childhood took place. Yeah sure I would love to have stayed here and not broken up friendships that could have been strong but then I always think to myself, if I didn’t go through what I went through I wouldn’t be the person I am today. Throughout all the moving there was one thing that became stable in my life. That one particular thing was sports, particularly soccer. If I was having a bad day there was only one way to fix it. The second I stepped foot on that field nothing else mattered and I knew that this was the one thing in my life that wouldn’t let me down. The only place I felt like I truly belong is on that field giving it nothing less than my all. The field was my home. I’ve always been that person that was smiling on my worst days and going out of my way to make someone else’s day that I truly feel like I fit it. What exactly is fitting in? There are kids here at Oakcrest that do things to “fit in” when being your own person is fitting in. You fit in to your expectations, your desires and your dreams not somebody else’s. As a young kid I had that desire to “fit in” but as I grew up I realized I am the person I am today because of my life choices and the situations I went through at a younger age. You could see the most popular kid in school and tell if they feel like they belong or not just by there actions. You can tell when someone is trying to not say the wrong thing, laugh at certain things instead of being their selves. Yeah sure they are “popular” but they aren’t showing who they really are. They continue to try and live up to the expectations of everybody else. I will end by saying by saying true to who you are, and if you believe you will achieve greatness, nothing less.
ReplyDeleteI can identify personally with the whole having to grow up quickly thing. I also lost one of my parents at around 5 as well, which kinda made me have to mature very fast for someone as young as I was, and while I may not be able to identify with the moving away from where I grew up thing, I can at least relate to that. Well, that and having that one thing that makes it all feel better, for you it is soccer, for me its music. No matter how bad of a day I've had, the second I get the chance to sing, everything is suddenly better, and it also gives me a place to belong, even when I may feel like I don't at times.
DeleteI can relate with you having to adapt to new friends, new school and a new life. I myself had to do all of that when I was five. It was one of the hardest thing I had to do and hopefully I don't go through that again.
DeleteWhen I moved here in fifth grade, I felt the exact same way you did when you moved from school to school. It’s difficult, to say the least, trying to make new friends and leaving behind old ones. On my last day of school in New York, I cried at least 4 times! Making new friends isn’t easy, especially when everyone around you has grown up together and shared memories you were never apart of. As I grew up, the struggle to fit in became less of a hassle and I had finally become content with who I was and who I chose to surround myself with. We’ve all made the mistake of changing who we are and how we look in order to fit the status quo, but I think that’s the part of growing up. We learn from our mistakes and as we grow older, we learn to do things because we want to, not because everyone else is doing it.
DeleteI’ve always believed the notion that you should never change who you are, what you like, or how you dress in order to “fit” in, but, while I was pondering over my response to this blog post, I’ve come to a conclusion that the “need to belong” is an essential part of human life. I’m still conflicted as to whether this “need to belong” is derived from the acceptance of society of oneself or a feeling only oneself can attain once they feel proud of who they are or who they are becoming. I’m not a “popular” kid so my opinion on this isn’t really of substance but, I do think popular kids feel as if they belong. Popular kids, also known as kids who have lots of friends, are constantly surrounded by people who, for the most part, like them. When you’re liked by a huge mass of people obviously you’re going to feel as if you are wanted thus you feel as if you belong in society. Personally, at the age of 16, I am content with who I am, the choices I’m making, and the people I surround myself with. No, I’m not popular, I’m not in every club, and I’m definitely not going to all the parties (I rarely get invited to them anyways!), but I don’t think those factors contribute to my sense of “belonging.” My close-knit group of friends and my ever so comforting family give me a sense of “belonging.” The people you surround yourself with create major impacts on how you feel about yourself. If you surround yourself with people who will support you no matter what you do, you’ll feel good about yourself. If you don’t, you’ll only feel terrible. Luckily for me, I’ve found a wonderful group of people who constantly lend me a shoulder when I need it and provide me the comfort I need when I’m having an emotionally exhausting day. It’s safe to say my friends and family are the main reasons as to why I feel as confident as I do. I only truly care for those select people’s opinions about myself and I think that is the key to the sense of “belonging.” I admit, it was hard trying to differentiate real friends from acquaintances, but it’s definitely not impossible. Feeling as if you belong isn’t a bad thing - far from it actually.
ReplyDeleteI have to start off by saying that you are not the only one who doesn’t get invited to parties. But on a more relevant note, I think your conflict over where the origin of acceptance lies is a very valid one. It is hard to say whether acceptance lies in how we feel in reflection to our friends or in how your friends and others view you. The most likely answer seems to be a combination of both, but I like that you addressed the issue. I especially like that you emphasize the fact that feeling like you belong is anything but bad. Sometimes it seems like people think belonging is about changing oneself to fit in but I, like you I guess, see some cracks in that theory. Overall, your post was a pleasure to read.
DeleteI very much agree with you in that I do not believe that anyone should ever try to change themselves in order to 'fit in'. It is great that you are content with yourself and with the person you are becoming. Your feelings about belonging are very similar to my own in that I feel that if you can surround yourself with people that care about you, a sense of belonging will soon follow. Your last sentence really struck me, because often times I believe that people associate the desire to belong with being a negative thing. But it is completely normal, and no one should ever feel bad about wanting to belong, or feeling as though they do belong.
DeletePaula, I love the fact that you don't need to have a thousand friends to feel as if you belong. I agree that if you have your closest real friends and your family, you do belong. Having the ones that really care for you make you happy and have great self esteem. P.S. I don't get invited to many parties either, but honestly who cares.
DeletePaula I couldn't agree with you more. You shouldn't change yourself to 'fit' in. Being yourself is the best choice, and those who like you for who you are and support you are the ones you could probably relate more to. Not belonging or being a part of the poplar group doesn't mean you don't belong anywhere else. As you said your group of friends is what makes you happy and that is all you need, people that support you and are there for you whenever you need a friend. Love you girl, and exactly who you are!
DeletePart One:
ReplyDelete“Fitting in” is always a big deal, especially in high school. And for teenagers most prominently, a sense of belonging is essential, I believe, in being confident and comfortable with yourself. Of course, we all like to say that we don’t care what other people think of us, or somehow we perceive ourselves as being better for not yearning to be a part of a clique or group of friends. And while that could be true for some people, caring about other people’s opinions and needing to belong are two completely different things. Inside of every person, there is present the inherent need to belong. I don’t mean this to be taken as I am encouraging the formation of cliques and social groups, because I find that to still be a very major problem in our school, but I do think that affiliation with a group of friends plays an essential role in our satisfaction with who we are. It is completely normal to want to fit in. We have all been in a situation at least once in our lives where we felt like an outcast, surrounded by people who seem to be well associated with one another, wishing to be a part of their camaraderie. Feeling as though you don’t belong is a dreadful feeling, and it seems that it would be utterly awful to live your entire life that way. I think that is why we all have such a great desire to belong, because we know that living a life without belonging would be less than ideal.
From a young age, it is easy to identify what group of people among your peers is the ‘popular’ group. Although I hate to admit it, there have been times when I have wished to be associated with the popular kids, because it seemed to offer fitting-in security for life. Popularity in itself is defined as having a lot of friends; at least that’s what popularity means to a majority of kids. So it seems silly to question whether or not the popular people feel that they belong. But looking at that question now in a different light, I think that it is absolutely possible for the popular people to feel as though they do not belong. Popularity can often times be misleading, to people like me it seems that they have more friends than they know what to do with. But not all of those friendships may be truly genuine, and that could entirely make even the most popular person feel that they do not belong.
Personally, I have struggled with fitting-in in the past. I have always been the girl that is rather shy, and can count her closest friends on one hand. But as I have grown older, I have branched out more, and gotten involved in multiple different activities, and that has exponentially increased my self esteem, and has also helped to fulfill my desire to belong.
Part Two:
ReplyDeleteI think that when it comes to your self esteem, belonging can be a major factor. Association with a group of friends or even just a general sense of belonging can supply a huge boost to the way that you view yourself. But with that being said, I feel that I should add that the feeling of belonging can differ from person to person. Some people may be content with belonging to a small, close knit group of friends that share many interests and don’t stray much from one another. But many other people contain the desire to be a part of a huge group of people, often times that group being the popular people. So what it may take for one person to be satisfied with where they belong could be completely different for another person. But regardless of any of that, feeling as though you fit in somewhere can affect you self esteem largely. If not fitting in causes you to be unhappy with yourself, then your self esteem will most likely suffer.
Our high school years are definitely a very impressionable time. We are often overcome by social struggles, and the need to belong occupies our mind more often than we may notice. So how can we deny the need to belong, when it is a challenge that we face daily? We are all searching for our purpose in life, and in my opinion, purpose and belonging go hand in hand. And that could very well be the reason why the need to belong is so essential to us.
I think you raised a great point in saying that the personal definition of belonging varies from person to person. We all can subscribe to the definition of belonging, but words are only words unless they are placed into the context of reality. You focus on more the introspective who have smaller groups of friends versus the more outgoing who affiliate themselves with larger groups of people. I believe it is also important to note that the definition of belonging need not be limited to the people we surround ourselves with. Belonging can also be achieved through an actual place, an occupation, and through self-actualization itself. Though Maslow argued that a sense of belonging must be established for self-actualization, many can argue that self-actualization can be achieved in people who like to keep to themselves. Thus, self-actualization can be the catalyst for one’s sense of belonging as well. Very well thought out Bryanna!
DeleteI agree with how you said that fitting in can affect your self esteem. All teenagers strive to do in the beginning of their adolescence stage is to fit in with the "cool crowd." However, getting to that "cool" spot takes a toll on most. It effects all of us- trying to get there.
DeleteThe sense of belonging to many teenagers seems to be of the utmost concern. However, I don't think of this as "fitting in" to where one is deemed to blend in. I think the sense of belonging that teens should seek is finding something that makes them truly happy, and in time, finding others that have the same interests. Those "popular kids" that everyone seems to refer to that go to all the parties, are at the top ranks of the sports teams, and bask in the glory of everyone else's wishes to be them, is in my opinion a total myth. Honestly, I think that those types of kids are the ones that tend feel the most insecure and need to surround themselves with all of those things. Obviously, I don't believe that this is every one of those kids, because in reality, some kids really do seem to get all the luck, but I still stand by my opinion. This is because I guess I could be considered one of those kids. Please don't get me wrong. I am in no way, shape, or form envied by the masses of the student body for my "interesting social life" but I can safely say I cram my schedule with extra curriculars and belong to countless clubs in our school.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I feel like I don't belong with any of them. To me, my place of belonging is not a location at all. I feel like I can say "this is my home" whenever I find myself with my best friend, and boyfriend, Justin. I know. This probably sounded incredibly cliché. However, I choose to make such a statement because in my heart I believe it is true. This past summer, he is the one person I spent most of my time with. I know that this is what every girl tries to avoid, to the fact that they have to faithfully present for their friends too, but I was so drawn to the sense of pure joy I felt when I was in his presence, I couldn't get enough. Justin is my best friend because whatever I say, no matter how stupid, he listens to. And I appreciate that more than anything. Over that summer, I spent hours telling him everything I was never able to share with any of my friends. Everyone wishes to be heard, and I feel like my voice and thoughts are finally relevant to someone other than myself. The unfamiliar sense of importance boosted my self esteem more than any compliment ever could. In addition, the lack of judgment that followed left me with the sense of belonging that every teen is supposedly wishing for.
At one point in my life, I guess I did feel truly misunderstood. Just like most teens, this miscommunication was between my parents and I. At home, I was put under a lot of pressure. The pressure was mostly fed into the ever present, and terrifying fact that college was just around the corner and the standards were thought to be looming way higher than I could reach. However, I don't take pressure very well. I guess you can't exactly tell from the surface, but my anxiety and tendency to blow things out of proportion ate me alive all throughout freshman and sophomore year. For the longest time, I felt like nothing I did was ever good enough and I began to feel the depressing feeling of irrelevance. But as I said before, this problem lessened its blow when the pressure was alleviated by not only finally being able to vent out all of my frustration that I could never show to my parents, but being reminded that I'm actually doing something right.
It was within a person that I had called my friend since childhood that I was unaware that would help me immensely in the future, that I had found my confidence and my niche. Little did I know, my "place in this world" so to speak, wasn't exactly a place at all. As corny as it sounds, it was in his heart.
I loved your point about the belonging that we should strive to achieve should not necessarily be 'fitting in' with the crowd of popular kids, but rather finding a place that makes us truly happy, and then surrounding ourselves with people that share our interests. Belonging undoubtedly varies from person to person, and for you all it took was one person to finally provide you with a true sense of belonging. And while I must admit that as a typical teenage girl I am rather jealous of this story, it is so great to hear that after struggling for a long time with trying to find a sense of belonging, you have finally found it.
DeleteN'aww maggie! I love how you brought up that the most important part of belonging is being your trueself with someone and feeling important and wanted, because in my opinion, that is what belonging is to me.
DeleteMaggie, when you mentioned your boyfriend, at first, I felt kind of awkward seeing as I know close to nothing about relationships. As I continued to read, my entire attitude changed. I feel as though you feel a true connection with this Justin fellow. You can slap me for this later, but it sounds as though you two truly belong together. The fact that he is able to sit down and listen to what you have to say and not judge you is what belonging is all about. I found this to be rather beautiful. You're absolutely right, people do want to be heard. This is what relationships are about, a sense of understanding and a sense of belonging. I wish you both the best!
DeleteFreshman year, I was struck by many apparent variations between what my past experiences had entailed and what my eyes soaked in before me. One of the most apparent was the air of insecurity that coated the atmosphere of the halls. The facial expressions of the students and the way in which they carried themselves reflected their desire to coincide with the image of the average teenager. It is my opinion that every one of those students was looking for identification with their peers. They were searching for a sense of belonging and acceptance. This desire amongst teenagers is a pattern that carries with them to adulthood and, for some, is one that never truly goes away. Though I believe everyone desires belonging to some extent, I believe it is strongly a result of the attempt of creating their own identity. This identity allows us to feel understood and accepted. That being said, I don’t seek a need to belong. I struggled for years with trying to identify with people. I felt insufficient to others and cried angry tears over what I was doing to cause the gap in “belonging” with my peers. However, I have finally learned what it means not to pay any mind to what others think of me. Other people’s opinions are insignificant because I know who I am, I identify in that, and no mere person has the right to decide who I am for me. I am satisfied in being an outcast and that is a liberty I wish for every person to find. We need to be comfortable with who we are because then belonging becomes irrelevant. I believe some of the loneliest and most insecure people are those who are considered the “popular kids” and it is a rarity for them to find belonging. It seems tiring to keep up such a status. The image of the “popular kid” in and of itself only draws back from who they are as people because they are unable to achieve being understood; they have their set expectations and that is the be all end all for many people. A person can have thousands of friends and be well known amongst teenagers everywhere. However, if they are unable to identify with these familiar strangers, they are lost. Belonging is such an overrated objective and people striving toward it miss out on the remarkable journey of being set apart. I belong in the sense that I can identify with myself and have found friends that don’t require me to belong to a physical place. I don’t have one set place that I belong to in this world and that doesn’t deter from who I am as a person at all. No matter where I go or what I do, I will identify with the experiences that I had and I will be linked to the people that made the difference. These factors are what mold us into human beings of character. I don’t feel misunderstood, undervalued or overlooked because these are all irrelevant feelings to me. If belonging is the only objective we have, our self esteem will be destroyed because how we view ourselves is what will make the difference. The statement I have found most crucial to remember is that we are not less, just different.
ReplyDeleteI really love the beginning of your blog, I never thought to relate this blog topic to the entire student body in such a way. I have to concur with the way you saw us teenagers trying to find an identity from other students. It is especially interesting that you find creating an identity as causing a person’s desire to belong. I guess you do have to know who you are before you can try to relate to others. Your conviction that you are who you are is very strong and I fully respect that. After surrounding myself with fickle teenagers all day it is nice to hear that one of them is fully content in who they are. I am not sure however, if I would say that belonging is as a whole overrated. Just having a group of friends is a kind of belonging and I am sure having friends is not overrated but in fact something everyone should have.
DeleteI would first like to comment on the quality of your writing. It is fantastic! Your descriptive syntax really made me visualize your points. As for your points, I find it admirable for you to challenge the notion that people involved with many activities are somehow tricking themselves into happiness or somehow covering up some major sense of insecurity. I cannot say that I empathize, but I can definitely understand that a sense of belonging can come from having an ambiguous sense of belonging. Being in the grey area is always admirable, and I am glad to see that someone put that in context when responding to this blog. The way that you approach the habitual “I don’t care what anyone else thinks of me” argument is also unique. Your connotation spites those who have narrow minded expectations of you and hold you to some subjective standard. Most people use that argument to express indifference while you use it to embody your individuality. Good job Francesca! Your post inspired to me approach this issue from a different angle.
DeleteI've known you for quite a while and I've learned who you are as a person. First off, let me say this is excellent writing. Second, I love your opinion on this. The way you embrace your individuality is truly remarkable, while we disagree on som...most things, I can say I agree with you on this. Belonging somewhere isn't really necessary, and if you belong anywhere, you can go anywhere.
DeleteAfter reading your blog I felt refreshed. I loved how you are so satisfied with who you are because not many students can relate with you on that. And I especially enjoyed your view on identity being the ignition of the need to belong.
DeleteYour post made me like look at how we as a student body changed once high school rolled around. I never thought of how most of our fellow members of the class of 2015 changed in one year. You reminded me of why I never wanted to fit in. You inspired me to stay true to myself and do what I really love. By the way your wording was quite powerful.
DeleteThe idea of fitting in is a very vague concept. Fitting in could mean being like by everyone, being the most popular, or just finding people who understand one another. People automatically think that the popular people are the one who fit in the most but that really isn’t true. It is just that popular people are the ones who are generally like by a lot of people. But that doesn’t mean that everyone else will like same person. Every single person is different and so not everyone will like different people and things. The general idea of “fitting in” is that one person is automatically like by everyone, which is impossible and I really, mean impossible. Fitting in takes time because people have to make friendship, bonds, and really get to know each other so they aren’t stranger. Everyone can fit in but again it will take time. Finding people who are similar and who understands one another isn’t easy. Being in a young and impressionable age of sixteen I don't have to look for people to fit in with. I have great friends but I sometimes feel that they don’t understand me. They accept me for who I am and I am happy, but other times I feel isolated from them. But as long as I can count on them then i believe fit in them. I believe that no one can fully fit in with other people but they can find someone who they relate with whether it is family or great friends. The one who are in every club, sports or is at every party don’t fit in because they are still looking for people who are similar to them. These people are trying to find what they really like so they can find other people who like the same stuff. Personally I don’t fit in with other people other than my friends and family and that is fine by me. I found a group of people, who are nice, relatable, and I can count on them and that is what really matters in the day. Sure I sometimes feel isolated but if I can count on those people at the end of the day then I know I fit in with them. Having the feeling of fitting in really help my mind from worrying whether I am weird or do I look ugly because I know they will accept me for who I am. This will help me increase my self-esteem because I will only be thinking about the positive stuff and not of the negative because I fit in with my friends. Fitting in doesn’t necessarily mean to change yourself but as long as you find a group of people who will accept you in the end then all that maters is waiting and searching for that certain group of people.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you that the idea of association and fitting in is a vague concept that is hard to pin down. This blog topic has really left a lot of room for interpretation. I like your emphasis on how slow the process of fitting in is. Friendships that last are often the ones that took the longest to root which also identifies another factor in defining what it means to belong. That is, just how deeply or fully you belong. I do have to disagree with you in your point that it is impossible to “fully fit in” though. I think this is totally possible and in fact this ability is what distinguishes best friends from simple companions. Just because people have differences doesn’t mean they can’t have a fully connected relationship. Sometimes it is the differences that make relationships and connections to people stronger. I like how you included that you were content with the people you belong with now, this is something to which I can personally relate.
DeleteThe idea you present that fitting in is vague is very valid. Bryanna states that the individual realization of belonging definitely varies from person to person. You emphasize your sense of belonging as it pertains to people, and that is the primary focus of many of the blogs thus far. I take the position that though people are important to a sense of belonging; it does not need to be the only variable in that equation. I think you start to break ground on this issue towards the end of your post when you reflect on the way you think others perceive you. I think it speaks to the sentiment that people alone cannot provide a sense of belonging for other people; you have to meet them half way. I took note of this while reading, and it is starting to make reflect on my personal sense of belonging. Like anything else in the world, you have to want it. You seem to be content with your sense of belonging, but I realize now that it is because you are very outward with the people to invest in. Great post Mike!
DeleteYour stand on popular people who belong is similar to mine. Popular people think they belonging to somewhere, so therefore go to parties and interact with people they think they belong to. Thinking where you belong or trying to belong to is a waste of time anyway. I totally agree with people accepting you for who you are. I think the best friends anyone can have are the friends who accept you for who you are. No one should live up to standards of someone else.
DeleteIt's true that to outsider's 'popular people' may appear to have a great group of friends and fit in, they might not necessarily feel that same way.They tend to just have some sort of characteristic that makes a ton of people like them, as you said, but even with dozens of good 'friends' it is perfectly possible to feel outcast. Fitting in with a group doesn't have to be measured by how many connections a person has or if they are well-liked; the only person who can truly understand how you feel is yourself. I'm sure there are countless kids out there who might seem like an outgoing and beloved student but inside they feel just as lost as the rest of us. Every person goes through hard times, especially teenagers, and it's not good to judge people on their outwards appearance! No matter how many friends a person has, they can still feel insecure and unhappy about themselves or their life.
DeleteI really like your concept on fitting in, you said “fitting in takes time because people have to make a friendship.” No one can just become popular or feel like they belong in a group if they just met these people. It takes a while, but once these bonds are produced you finally feel like you belong. I think not only me but everyone is with you when you say that you have a group of friends but they don’t always understand you. Sometimes you just need the alone time away from your friends to figure yourself out. Don’t feel isolated, just take this time for yourself and as long as you understand yourself that’s all you really need.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteEver since I started High School I never actually felt like I belonged somewhere. While all my peers tried to fit in with the crowd, I was just the shy girl wanting to be alone and have some kind of peace. Anytime I tried to find that special place I belong, my family and I always end up moving or my shyness would get in the way. For those two reasons, I have always had a phobia about trying hard to belong somewhere, because I am afraid of me getting rejected or losing that place I belong in. I always felt like an outsider for some reason, and to me it was just an embarrassment to try and force myself to try to belong somewhere when I knew it wasn’t like me. The thought of belonging somewhere never really crossed my mind until now. A lot of adolescents feel like it is force upon them to fit in with the crowd. They put pressure upon themselves to be liked by others and gain the most popularity. They want to go to every party, sport events, and every club. They work so hard to try to gain the idea of belonging to a particular group, that they don’t even show their true personality. It is hard fitting in with the crowd, but it’s really easy to just be you. For example, people go to the extremes just to fit in with a particular group. This especially happens in High School. I try my best not to fit anywhere I go. I just want to be a free spirited person and my own leader. I feel like I’m the only person, who can understand me as a teenager. I always been overlooked because people thought I was very selfish, just because I never really talked to a lot of my classmates in class. This actually lowers my self-esteem because whenever I tried to fit in my shyness would get in the way of me doing so. Hopefully as years pass my wanting to belong somewhere will gradually increase.
ReplyDeleteWilimina, I agree with you that people will do anything to fit in with a group. It is sad that people won't even show who they really are just to fit in with the "popular crowd". People will do anything to be friends with certain people. People will dress a certain way or act a certain way to be considered cool. I myself would never want to be pulsar if I had to do this. I would rather be myself and let people take me as I am.
DeleteI have had at least two first experiences with people deceiving themselves to be with the in-crowd. In both cases, the people have come up to me and asked "Why don't we talk anymore?" I didn't have the heart to tell them that we had grown so far apart. They had upgraded to driving Italian sports cars and I was still a 1919 Get-Out-And-Push. Although it maybe effortless, people are sometimes afraid of being themselves for fear of what other people might think. A Dr. Suess quote comes to mind when I think of things like that: "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
DeleteYou hit the nail right on the head when you said that people will do anything to fit in with a certain group of people. It is sad that people can almost use an alias their whole life just because they wanted to be friends with another person.
DeleteBeing your own free spirit is the best thing you can be. You understand yourself better than anyone else and it's good to stay away from defining yourself by a particular group of people. Stay true to yourself and know that there are people out there who won't overlook you the way others have in the past.
DeleteThat kind of made me feel silly about what I wrote. It's just kind of nice to see someone actually say they don't care about belonging. I haven't read many replies, but it's sort of refreshing to see that point of view. You almost make it seem like it's easier to be how you are, and I'm a little jealous.
DeletePart One:
ReplyDeleteTo assess my feeling of belonging is just confusing. Individualism is at the core of my ideology, and yet I feel that people who share that similar ideology are starting to conform into their own group. It’s a bit contradictory. I feel that I can be folded into certain groups by outsiders and even myself, yet I do not really feel that I the need to belong to anything. I can be lumped into the group of AP nerds, but I do not feel that I inherently belong there or anywhere for that matter. My individualistic outlook comes largely from being an only child. Mom was and is still a good mother to me in her expectations. However, my Dad has always emphasized being independent. I am not claiming this is bad, but it is critical. He constantly drones on about being on his own by sixteen years old. He defines “on his own” as having an apartment, a car, a job, and his own bills to pay. It’s like a subtle guilt that he imposed upon me; I have to be as less of a liability to the family as possible. And yet he is contradictory in that he is a generous person but that is a whole other set of complications. I have the sense to know that I cannot be “on my own” at my age in today’s world; it just isn’t going to happen. There were many times in my life where I felt I needed him for certain things, but he just did not want to intervene because he wanted me to find my own way. I will not dive into details or make this a post about Daddy issues because I don’t want sympathy, but I am providing my background. This quasi form of neglect kicked my individualism into high gear. I had to study hard, have my own experiences, and make up my own mind without the comfort of a consistent safety net. I drive myself in school so hard (though my grades may not always reflect it) because it’s my way of going “Okay Dad, I’ll be out of your hair soon.” And yet I realized that I’m not really being all that individualistic if I’m living under his design. When I realized this, I concluded that everyone and everything is full of crap. I had to fend for myself and not grow too dependent on anyone except for a select few individuals. If I felt I didn’t at least belong to some people, then why would I even be here? Because I feel this way, I do not really feel the inherit need to belong because in my life, not being an obsessive-compulsive individual, liberal, transcendentalist, whatever you want to call it, I failed to live up to some ideology that was drilled into my head when I was young and I know is crap but am loyal to anyway because I fear losing my sense of identity. Because I feel I do not belong anywhere, it is obviously bad for my self-esteem, and stresses me out so much, I have actually gone on medication for my consistent tension headaches. It literally rips me inside out because I don’t know who I am in the context of other people. But at sixteen, why the hell should I care? I should not have to, and that’s the problem; everything I have founded myself upon is a total contradiction. I feel that consistency in my household, thoughts, and life is missing. When you don’t know what to expect, it’s as if you have to teach yourself to be numb to everything. Which… again, hurts my manifest destiny to be as individualistic as possible.
Part Two:
ReplyDeleteI do not feel as if I am misunderstood, undervalued, or overlooked. I have long established indifference to what most people think of me with the exception of the aforementioned special individuals. As for those over achievers, (I know I did not answer the prompt chronologically, but I felt it easier to consolidate the feelings about myself and address people I don’t care about later) I feel that they have at least some sense of belonging even though their sporadic interests might suggest otherwise. I believe being a popular kid/over achiever/be all you can be personality type is in itself a group, and those who take on many challenges are often friends (or sometimes bitter enemies but they still end up forming coalitions somehow). I believe their behavior may be due to a discomfort in their lives but I don’t know if anyone can assume it is along the lines of their sense of belonging. After intense introspection, I believe all people must have some sense of belonging to survive in today’s society. Though I do feel largely lost in the world, I do have a few good reference points for safety. Belonging is what gives people psychological comfort. If one were to take that away, there would be literally no point in trying to live life. Without a sense of belonging, humanity as we know it couldn't exist.
I love how you stated "a few good reference points for safety." Isn't that belonging means? To feel safe? Most people want to belong to something or somebody so they feel safe and comfortable while others want to feel adventure not belonging to anything.
DeleteI feel as though a sense of belonging means that I feel comfortable or mentally satisfied more so than I feel safe. I derive my sense of safety from those reference points, but just because something is sustained does not means it is stable. You took Honor's Chemistry right? I can relate myself to being an unbonded ion. I have the capacity to exist (reference points), but I drift off in space unbonded. I (an ion) won't feel stable until I am bonded to make a compound. That is the sense of belonging. When I can say "I physically feel like I belong here." I do not believe that safety and belonging are one hundred percent the same thing. But I can understand how you might associate the two more so than I would.
DeleteI know how to feels like to be very shy. You raised a good point when you said that there are people who try too hard to fit in and at the end of the day don’t find a place to belong. I admire your honest opinion and experiences. Having to be the shyest person to walk halls of high school might be a nightmare, but it’s who you are. Even you began saying that your shy, your free spirit takes the shyness away and leaves nothing but a teenage girl.
ReplyDelete“We the people” strive for the purpose of belonging. Though the need to belong is a constant itch, especially in the tender teen ages we all experience it. Being surrounded by the harsh pressures of society makes it difficult to avoid the want of belonging. Thankfully home, school and activities have kept me away from not feeling belonged for quite some time now. At home my family is very understanding and supportive in whatever I do and the sense of security doesn’t force a desperate need to belong somewhere. With school and activities I’m consistently involved with people who share common goals and that people work together as a team. Belonging to all of this keeps me in a balanced life and I have a purpose to keep confident and work harder to achieve more. Accomplishing such a balanced life must be more difficult for popular people. They put themselves into every club, to every sport, and every party. In what seems to be the want to fill a void that can never seem to be filled. So in an attempt to fill it they use the sports and parties, but still never really feel belonged. On the other hand those people could have actually convinced themselves that, that’s where they belong, no questions asked. But that’s too good to be true. In any case I realize that without my family and variety of friends my feelings of belonging wouldn’t come about. And I wouldn’t have adopted the main idea that without belonging to someplace, person, or thing it’s hard to find your own purpose in life.
ReplyDeleteI agree with your statement, "especially in the tender teen ages we all experience it." Whether we would like to admit it or not we have all gone through the pain of trying to fit in and belong somewhere. It's unfortunate we feel pressure from everybody around us to be this idea of perfect.
DeleteI completely agree with you when you say that a balanced life helps you work harder to achieve more. This is exactly how I feel, getting work done and achieving more is a lot easier when you don’t have a lot of friends dragging you down. A few friends that share the same interests as you is all you really need in life. I agree when you say that there are some people that absolutely need a huge group of friends to like them or they can’t survive. Just to have a bunch of friends they sign up for every activity and go to every party but in the end that’s not making them any better. Belonging to a small group of people that mean a lot to you is really the best thing you can have.
DeleteI completely agree with you when you, Sotiria when you say that without your friends you would not have the sense of belonging that you have now, and without people helping you then it would be hard to find your purpose.
DeleteThis is a deep question, give me a second to think.......okay my thoughts have been collected. Here goes. At my age now, honestly I don't feel the need to belong to anything. I remember in middle school I would always want to belong to the "popular" crowd. Even in elementary school, i only moved one so i don't know much about how it feels to not have a something to hold on. As I grew up though, I started to figure out who I was. I'm not able to pin myself down to a certain group, I can be friends with everyone who is willing to be friends with me. That's when i realized that i don't need to belong anywhere but that doesn't mean i don't end up in places where i feel like i belong. Which leads to my next point, those kids who do every club and every sport, I feel like they're a mix of people who belong and people who wander. There's certain people who do everything and just fit in anywhere. Yes, those people feel like they belong in their particular sport or activity. While others do several sports and activities but never feel like they should be there. They just wander and it's a shame because I do believe everyone should feel like they belong somewhere even if it is just in their own home. Personally, I feel both that I belong and don't belong in different places. For example, I participate in soccer and track. I feel like I belong there. It's cliche but my team becomes my family, I spend so much of my time with them that's it's inevitable. I feel like I belong there because of how we all take care of each, even in the offseason we're friends. The sense of belonging doesn't much for my self esteem, but it does give me something to look forward to at the end of the day. On the other hand, in most places I go I actually don't feel like I belong. You can tell when I don't feel like I belong because I'm quiet and to myself, I try not to say too much when I get into a situation where I don't know people. Sometimes even when I do know people I stay quiet, I keep a lot to myself. When I don't feel like I belong in a place, it's usually because I don't know the people and am afraid to talk. Although, once again it really doesn't do anything to my self esteem. It just makes me feel awkward and alone. Most of the time I'm just overlooked and I'm okay with that. People tend to write me off as just another guy but the people who know me usually have nice things to say. Not all the time. But usually. Anyways, the need to belong is a weird thing. Feeling like you belong is a warm thing. Feeling like you don't belong anywhere is a bad thing. Not having the need to belong anywhere gives freedom.
ReplyDeleteDan I can really relate to you about how you feel. Because when I first moved here to Mays landing I immediately want to be a part of the popular people. But as I grew up I found things that I like and enjoy and I found a groups of friends who also enjoy those stuff. I learn that I didn’t necessarily need to join the popular crowd but I want to find a group of people who understand me. I also sometimes feel awkward and alone when I don’t feel like I belong in a place. Sometimes I just ignore it but that feeling of being alone will always come back. I agree the need to belong is a weird feeling but it is necessary for all people to mature and grow up.
DeleteTo belong to something, I feel that means you’re stable in your life, whether it’s belonging to a person, a place or an object. To me, the need to belong was at a much greater level in my life than actually feeling like I do belong- if that makes sense. The need to belong for me was at such a greater level than I’d like it to be. I tried my hardest to fit in with whomever I associate it with. Most of the time it affected me in a negative way because that changes who I am for that particular moment. This school year I have focused on myself- improving myself and working to maintain my dedication to my goals as a student. Therefore, fitting in hasn’t been my number one concern. I have had so many stages getting to where I am now. I had zero friends from the time I started schooling up until I got into the sixth grade. I was a little shy girl who didn’t want to talk to anybody because I was too scared to. I then became the cocky little asshole my eighth grade year because I thought that’s what “cool” was. Entering high school however, I have remained true to me. I did lose myself for a little while last year, but I came back better than ever now. Shannon, Maria, Danielle, Taylor, Jill, Logan, Tori and Courtney have all helped me stay true to myself. They’re the ones who have told me, “hey, things are bad right now, but they’re going to turn around. So keep pushing yourself, you’re stronger than you think.” They have guided me through all of my hardships and the downs I may have. They have helped me in more ways than they will ever realize. They have helped me figure out how to fit in with whom I want to fit in with. I have never broken out of my shell like I have recently because of them. They have helped me turn into the annoying, outgoing, kind, gentle and funny person that I am today. Belonging to something isn’t what I want to do with my last two years of high school. I want to adventure while I can, explore my mind, and focus on myself while I still have time to. But, belonging to something as an adult is what I wish to accomplish. I want to feel as if I’m needed as well, though. Hopefully I will have my prince charming sweep me off my feet, and my destiny will be to belong to him. Or my dream will come true and I will become a special education teacher, and I’ll belong to the students. Maybe I’ll end up adopting a baby from another country, and they’ll belong to me- they will be my heart and soul. Right now- fitting in and belonging isn’t what I’m striving for. I’m striving for success within myself and the world around me.
ReplyDeleteA lot of people are not exactly pleased by the desire they feel to fit in, you're not alone there. So many people want to find a group that accepts them but often find it hard to truly find that, and it leads to anger at themselves for even desiring it in the first place. And, like you touched upon, a lot of people try to change themselves to fit in but this can have a lot of negative impacts. It's best to find a group of people who will accept you for exactly who you are, like your group of friends did. Forcing yourself to be someone you aren't for the friendship of others is not a healthy.
DeleteYou're right, there are better things that people could be doing instead of focusing on fitting in. I don't think that you have to worry about fitting in anyway. You already belong to those people you named who have helped you stay true to yourself. They accept you for who you are and who you strive to be. You are a very lucky person. It is very difficult to come by friends who will stick by your side no matter how hard things get.
DeleteBeing yourself is the most important thing. If you are putting on an act just to fit in, then you'll never truly know your real self. I am happy to hear that you have found people that you can be you around. Having people that support you and like you for who you are is what is needed. You don't have to belong, just as long as you are happy and enjoy being around the people you choose to be with then you are on the right track.
DeleteThis blog is so inspiring to me. I watched you through your struggles and I watched you never give up. You always fought through everything until the very end. Im so proud of the person that you've become. You strive to do your best each and every day. I love you so much, I can't wait to watch you succeed in everything you do this year.
DeleteThomas Smith, that's a nice story, I have an opposite experience because I used to sing a lot ,which I still do but did not I have much interest in that since I focused my attention on sports. I agree with your statement that we all need need to belong. Overall I think you did an awesome job in the story and you are a nice person, I would not hesitate to say that you are my friend.
ReplyDeleteI think you made a very good point early on in your response. I believe that many people spend more time worrying about belonging than they may notice. It is very common for people to feel that the time they spend feeling that they belong far outweighs the time that they actually do feel a sense of belonging. It is a great thing that you have learned from your past to become confident in yourself, and to focus on being the best You that you can be. I think that is very important, and there would be far less issues in our school if people engaged more in becoming a better person than trying to fit in. I also liked that you pointed out many diverse senses of belonging. Belonging is not contained to a group of friends, it reaches much farther into different parts of our lives. And that, I believe, is one of the main reasons why it is such an important thing to us.
ReplyDeleteDaniel Avila, you are an incredible person . Why? sometimes, some people that you think are the best people you should be with are not exactly who you think you should be around with and you remarkablely made emphasis on we belong to things that we are not suppose to belong and this idenfies the fact that are failures in life sometimes is that we belong to groups that have different ambition but because of the excessive need to belong we join these groups. Thanks for pointing that out.
ReplyDeleteHi Dave W, i'm short of words. With no doubts individuals also play an important part of belonging.Most often, people turn to over depend on people they think they belong . And at the end of the day, when the person is nowhere to be found they suffer. so.sometimes individualism is important. Big Dave, good job, you never stop to amaze people.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI have never felt like I belonged to something. I’ve felt a part of something, but never as if I belonged. It took me a while to handle that, because that’s a hard pill to swallow. It really hurt me knowing that I had all these friends but I was never a part of a group message, or sleepovers or those trips friends take together. Everyone thinks I have all these friends, but they aren’t the friend someone needs. I know this may sound depressing (which it was to me at one point) but I don’t have a really close best friend anymore. I’ve lost them from change, boys and college. I’ve been shut down a whole lot and I wish I was as trusting as I was before but I just can’t. I never really felt that anyone cared about or understood my life and in reality, I still don’t. That’s my problem and I’ve learned to deal with it. I have found through mediation that the only thing I can fully trust is nature. I know that sounds weird and sad but it’s actually quite amazing. I realized that I belong to nature and it has helped me really appreciate the simple things. I don’t want any of you to think “Aw poor Danielle” because I really am happy with this life. I no longer feel a loneliness of not belonging, I do know that someday I will belong whether it is in this life or not. Nature helps me along until I get there. Maybe this is me becoming more introverted and maybe I’ll end up like eighth grade Mrs. Mcgee feeding soda to her plant, but hey at least I’ll be happy and as long as you’re happy it shouldn’t matter if you belong.
ReplyDeleteWell first of all, I just wanted to say that I loved your post. I know exactly what you mean about not feeling like you belong. People used to always ask me, “Who’s your best friend?” and I never really knew how to answer. I didn’t have that friend or group of friends to have sleepovers, group messages and take trips with for a while. It made me seem kind of lost. I felt left out compared to all the other people in my grade. I didn’t really trust anyone and was never able to talk to anyone about problems. I’m glad you found peace with nature and don’t feel the need to belong. I love your positivity, but I do hope that you will find that group where you truly feel you belong.
DeleteI absolutely love your last sentence mostly because of your reference to a teacher who fed her plant soda...which you shouldn't do. If it isn’t good for humans, it probably isn’t good for plants either, but that isn’t the point. I’m really glad that you have learned to accept things the way they are. I remember last year when you told me about how you felt like you didn’t have any friends in any of your classes and how you were really upset about that. I’m glad that you realized you belong to nature. It’s really interesting to see how you developed as a person of the past two years. Maybe in 15 years, you’ll be living in your underwater dream house. If you are, I’m coming to visit you.
DeleteAs I’ve stated before, I’ve moved a few times. I moved from one side of the world to another and when I first stepped into my new school in New York. I felt the need to belong. It was an instinct. I had to fit in and join a certain group of people. I never wanted to be the outsider. I wanted to be part of a group that accepted and made me feel like I belonged. I did become part of a group of friends and I felt like I belonged, but then I had to move to this town of Mays Landing, New Jersey. Before moving here, we already knew other family friends from New York were also moving into our neighborhood, so I didn’t really feel the need to find a group to belong in. Belonging in a group just seemed to click. Coming into my first day of school in Davies, I wasn’t really looking for a group to be part of, I already felt like I belonged and didn’t really need to feel like I belonged with the rest of my grade. As I entered high school the people that were part of this group I thought I belonged in started to drift away, but I didn’t realize this until I met the group of people I’m with now. The one where I truly feel I belong. The group where I’m comfortable to be myself and am able tell everything to. It makes me feel happy to know that a group of friends accept me for who I am. This is exactly why at my age of 16, I really don’t feel the need to belong.
ReplyDeleteIt might seem cliché, but I do think that the “popular people” feel as though they belong. They’re the ones that seem to know literally everyone. A lot of people seem to be associated with the popular people and this could lead them to feeling as though they belong. They all seem to join the same sports, same clubs and go to every party together. Joining all these sports, clubs and going to all these parties also increases the people they associate with, which leads them to become even more popular. They always seem to have friends wherever they go and don’t seem to have trouble fitting in. They seem to belong wherever they are, but they will always have that certain group of friends where they truly feel they belong. The ones they trust with their lives and would take a bullet for. We all have those friends we would do anything for and lead us to feel as if we’re worth something. As I join a sport or clue, I no longer have the instinct to fight for the feeling of belonging. I know I have friends that make me feel like I belong. That’s all I could ask for.
Belonging, well I've always wanted to belong to something ever since I was a young child. I sometimes wish I didn't care whether I belonged or not. My life would be a hell of a lot easier. Being apart of civilization is what makes us human. Most humans can't live life without someone to be around. Humans are just like a pack of wolves, we love to do things with others. We love the feeling of being involved. Feeling lonely might be the worst part in life. Feeling misunderstood or unacceptable makes humans feel isolated. Humans need companionship.
ReplyDeleteI myself, do feel the need to belong. There is always a new trend. To fit in with er to belong, I want to get what the many people around me are getting. The new trend could be hoodies only worn on Thursdays. It could be a new clothing company that everyone around me is wearing. Now I want it. Being young, I know I can be impressed by the dumbest things but in the moment I'll feel as if I fit in with everyone. New technology, clothing lines, social networking, music; it all is something that I do to fit in.
Speaking of fitting in, I see people from my school who are involved in pretty much everything. I see the individuals who always go to parties and have so much fun. I wonder, how do these people do it? They have the ability to make friends with many students and they can fit in with pretty much anyone. I personally find it hard to do be involved in everything but I do belong to a group, which happens to be choir. Choir class opens you up to meet people of different grade levels. This intern blossoms new friendships. Most people in choir are a little out there and I love that because I'm the sameway. We genuinely have fun and enjoy each other's company. We really are a family. It also allows me to express myself in a way that works for me, which happens to be singing. I feel complete when I get my daily class of choir. I feel accepted. I feel apart of something that I truly love. It makes my self esteem rise because I know I have something that really makes me feel as if I belong.
Belonging to something makes everyone feel a bit better. Feeling as though you don't belong can make you feel upset. I'm glad to have a group that I can belong to. Without it, I don't know how my days in school could have a glimpse of actual creativity. I appreciate choir and all its glory. All staments about me put aside, the feeling of wanting to belong is human nature. Without belonging, life can make many feel a sense of loneliness. Everyone wants something to connect with or even live for. Overall, belonging is one of the most important things to humans.
At this time in my life I do not feel the need to belong because I’m happy with the small group of friends that I surround myself with. Although when I was younger I did feel like I needed to find somewhere to belong because I moved around more often than not and most of the time my parents were too busy. In that time I usually did things on my own because there was not really anyone else to help or interact with. In my opinion the most popular people we can imagine, the ones who are in every club, do every sport, go to every party can feel like they belong, but there is also people who do not feel as though they belong. There are people who join everything just so they can feel like they belong because they want to fill that void in their life and personally I understand how much you need to feel like you fit in. Then there are the people who join everything because they want to be involved and end up making friends and finding that sense of belonging over time. When I got older that is when things changed, but I was still very much in my shell before my best friends came along. They first brought me into their small group in sixth grade and they invited me to go out to do things like go to the boardwalk or movies I felt better about myself because I had the feeling that actually belonged somewhere and with someone.
ReplyDeleteThis is so touching Alonna. I feel the exact same way because with my small group of best friends I can always be myself.
DeleteIt's good to know that you feel this sense of belonging through just a small group of friends. A group of a few really reliable people is always better than having a large group of people whom you may not be as close to. I agree with your statement about people who participate in many social activities only to fill a missing piece in their life. We have glamorized over-the-top socialization so much that it has gotten to the point where people will feel as if they must participate in as many events as possible in order to belong to a something.
DeletePart One
ReplyDeleteI am an emotional creature and I thrive off of knowing that I belong, if people still need me, and if people will even remember me. A majority of humans need to be under the impression that they belong to something other than themselves. The feeling of wanting to belong is ubiquitous and undying. There are people whom seek this feeling by joining various clubs and activities. There are others whom quench this thirst by entering relationships. Even though I am only 16-years old, I know that I need to belong to something other than my family.
The people that partake in a plethora of clubs and activities and participate in sports do feel as though they belong. Coming from a somewhat standpoint, this feeling may only be partial. Someone could stand in a room full of people and still feel out of place. Some people may even join these activities in order to fill a void. The question that really sparked my interest was whether or not I feel as though I belong anywhere. To be completely honest, I only feel as though I belong 25% of the time. I feel included in classroom discussions, I feel somewhat adored on Tumblr, and I feel appreciated when people ask for my assistance on homework. Other than that, people don’t really need me. I am only placed in the lives of others solely for their convenience. What makes me feel as though I belong only 25% of the time? People only keep me around when they will benefit from the relationship. People will go out of their way to prove me wrong—even in my own household. It’s ridiculous. I have been there to give advice on friendship and relationships. I have even been that girl that a boy would text from three in the afternoon until 12 in the morning. The moment something or someone better comes along, I am left alone and feeling like quite the misfit.
In the moments where I feel as though I am the missing puzzle piece, I feel on top of the world. Knowing that I was able to make someone laugh and make them feel at ease is one of the highlights of my day. Feeling as though I TRULY belong is sometimes unfathomable. When I log onto Tumblr and see what my followers are re-blogging, I can relate to a majority of it. I know I belong when I am on Tumblr. It takes strangers on the internet to make me feel as though I belong. That was rather difficult for me to admit, however the friends that I see on a day to day basis don’t always make me feel as though I belong. Sometimes I find myself walking behind them in the hallway, craning my neck over them just to even attempt joining their conversation. Sometimes they’ll wait at my locker with me and just leave me standing there without even saying anything. When I look up and notice that you’re not there anymore, how is that supposed to make me feel?
Part Two
ReplyDeleteWhen it comes to feeling as though I do not belong, all I can say that it is a terrible feeling. I sit there in my AP Statistics class and exist; that is all I do. At times, I feel as though that’s all I’ll ever do. I will always be there; inhaling and exhaling. If you hear someone behind you breathing in a heavily fashion, don’t panic; it’s only me. I’m only friends with one person in my statistics class and she sits on the opposite side of the room. If a photographer came to take a picture of everyone in my class, I feel as though the disdain and confusion written all over my countenance would be the most apparent. I’m not going to credit every feeling of not belonging to my being misunderstood. I cannot make people understand every single aspect of what makes me tick. I’m not trying to purposefully shut people out of my life by saying this. I just don’t believe there are that many people who actually want to sit down and listen to me ramble on about what is lurking in the corners of my New York-paced mind.
The moment I am able to sense that I do not belong, my self-esteem takes an immediate nose dive. I am no longer a valuable player; I have been pushed aside for something far more interesting. I feel as though people look at me and say “She no longer fits the mold. Time to move on”. I can make myself look a little less dead by slapping on some make-up, frying my hair every morning, and spending hours deciding what I am going to wear. I don’t wear make-up because I’m not allowed to. I don’t fry my hair every morning because that’s not my style. I don’t spend hours deciding what I am going to wear because clothing just prevents me from being naked and shields me from the elements. People tend to look at me and notice these things and label me as nothing more than a complete bore. By doing this, they have just judged a book by its cover. What they failed to do was read the tale of Jasmine Patterson. As the author, I can only say that this story hasn’t ended; it has only just begun. I promise you, it’s a book that you’ll find yourself reading, from cover to cover, quite frequently.
I wish that you didn’t have to belong somewhere to feel genuine happiness. I’ve always felt the inherent need to belong. Ever since I was seven or eight, I knew that I didn’t really fit in with the other kids. I thought that maybe it was because I wasn’t exactly the most adorable little kid or maybe it was because I had very noticeable eczema. I felt like people looked at me differently compared to the other girls in my class. I felt like I was the Grinch who stole Christmas. I wondered why everyone fit into their own little cliques and why I was forced to jump from group to group. When I was in eighth grade, I ran for student council president because it had been my dream to be the president since I was seven. It was my dream because I wanted to feel loved. I wanted see people admire and adore me because I never felt like I belonged in my class. I always found it easier to make friends with kids younger or older than me. I thought maybe the kids in my class would respect me a little bit more if they saw how the younger kids respected me but nothing changed. So, I don’t think that the most popular people feel as though they belong. I think they are just as lost as everyone else if not more. Admirers make you feel loved, but they don’t make you feel like you belong.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I still feel like I don’t really belong. Surely I’m just being a bit paranoid and pessimistic, but I’m terrified of the possibility that my best friends aren’t who I think they are. I’m not just being paranoid out of nowhere. I do have reasons, but I would rather keep them to myself. I did feel like I belonged in my group of friends because we trusted each other to be honest and accepting. I finally felt like I could be comfortable with who I wanted to be because they wouldn’t judge or comment, just accept. Sadly, this comfort is slowly fading. Most of the time I’m trying to hang on to it as long as possible because I’m afraid that I will never be able to get it back once I let go. Sometimes I wish I could just cut all of the loose strings and find new ones, but I won’t because friendships like this are hard to come by. I would much rather struggle to hang onto friendships than feel like I don’t belong again. Anything is better than feeling alone.
Some people have the luxury of a close knit family; I don’t. My family is scattered throughout the U.S. and the Philippines. At most, I am acquaintances with my relatives and nothing more. The only person in my family that ever made me feel like I belonged is my brother, but he lives on the other side of the country now. I was lucky enough to have him take me under his wing to guide me through possible future challenges. He introduced me to music, various activities: skateboarding, playing piano/guitar…hockey, and food. He understands my fears of the future and my interest in drama and English. I always knew that he did a lot for me, but I wasn’t able to really get to know him until a week or two before he left for college. He never criticized me or judged me for my thoughts. He accepted me and made my life much better than it would have been if I only had my big sister. Having a person care about you as much as my brother does is a huge confidence booster. It makes you feel important especially if that person means a lot to you. Feeling like I belong gives me a purpose in life, that purpose is to keep pushing forward regardless of the obstacles life throws at you.
Throughout middle school I always said I wanted to be a part of the poplar group, where I thought you would be counted as “belonging”. I wanted to be just as pretty as those girls; I wanted to not seem awkward like they always did, I just wanted to fit in. By 8th grade, I found I wasn’t quite fitting into that group, and I realized I really didn’t need to because I fit in with the people that meant the most to me. Now at the young age of 16, I don’t feel the need to belong, I rather just be myself and whoever wants to join being my friend I’d let in. Within school I feel as if I “belong” with my amazing friends. I wouldn’t say I am a part of a certain group of people though many of my closest friends are all friends together, so that kind of works out; though I still find myself interacting with anyone really. Being with my friends makes me feel poplar because they all give me love, care, laughter, and support in which I couldn’t ask for anything else. Those that I always assumed were the real ‘poplar’ people I still can imagine that they feel as though they belong, because they hang out with people that they can relate to, or their best friends, the same way I have my best friends. Within school I feel like I belong as whom I am when I am around my closest friends. They all understand me and my strange doings. They all put up with my awkwardness and still choose to walk in the hallways with me. I feel I belong because of the relationship I have with all of them, they help make me who I am. This helps my self-esteem with having a strong view on being myself. I don’t have to hide my true self in front of them, and I am so thankful for that. Another place in which I feel as though I belong would be at my gymnastics academy. Most of the girls there now are younger than me, but they are all like little sisters to me. These girls, just as my school friends do, treat me as if I belong with them as well. I get this feeling through how all the girls trust me with a ton of things, they support me, and are always there to make me smile, or for a good laugh. I can be myself, very awkward around them, and they will only act the same way around me. Belonging I feel is when you can really be yourself around other people, and they won’t judge you. In reality you should choose to belong to you, and don’t worry what other people think of you. Find the people that mean the most to you and like you for who you are and not who you are trying to be.
ReplyDeleteI like how you mentioned your gym in your description of belonging. We all assumed belonging to be fitting-in in high school, so to hear that you feel like you belong in places other than just Oakcrest is awesome.
DeleteGrowing up i have always had the same group of friends. I feel as though I do belong because there was never a time I didn’t feel comfortable being myself and have a good time. I am able to act my complete self around these people and i know that they wont judge me. I have fun with the people who love and accept me. I am my happiest around these people, i am strong and outgoing, and even a little crazy. Theres never a moment where i’m sad or down on myself.
ReplyDeleteBeing in a group of like individuals does give you a sense of belonging that you might not otherwise have. I guess this sense of acceptance and being loved is exactly what we are all desiring from this world and the people in it and it's awesome that you've found in the microcosm of the world that is your friend circle. You've found people that will always appreciate you. That's powerful.
DeleteThere is nothing wrong or unusual about wanting to belong to a group of people. By feeling as if you are part of a group of peers, you tend to feel comfort in knowing that there are other people out there that care and admire you. Everyone deserves to feel as if they belong because it gives you a sense of happiness that nothing else could ever replace. However, I don’t believe that belongingness is the only way someone can procure life satisfaction. It’s good to be able to associate yourself with a particular group of friends but that shouldn’t define who you are. I personally don’t feel as if I belong with a specific group of people and I don’t like feeling as if I have to choose to associate with a definite bundle of friends. We shouldn’t have this pressure of trying to meet certain standards in order to “fit in” because that can easily transform us into something that we’re not. When it all comes down to it, we should all just learn to love and accept ourselves for who we are because no one understands you better than you do. We will never truly be able to fit in anywhere since we are all different people despite the commonalities we may have with certain types of people. Those who have been defined as “popular” do not necessarily have a better sense of belonging. In most cases, they have simply used their social personalities to their advantage in an attempt to fulfill the emptiness within them. There could be a room full of people laughing and mingling but I can guarantee you that there is at least one person in the social bunch that feels lonesome inside. Although it seems like everyone around them is their friend, no one truly understands them on an emotional level. I choose to not worry about trying to belong to a specific clique because it is pointless to think that I need to depend on others in order to be happy. In a way, I still have a feeling of belonging even though I technically don’t associate myself with anyone. I belong to a large group of peers that are just as unique as I am. I am very similar to some and very different from others. That’s okay because I like to be exposed to the various types of personalities. Although we tend to label and group people accordingly by different factors, in the end we are all contrasting in some way and I think that we should exercise our individualism more often. I don’t belong to anyone because I am simply myself. In life I will come across people who I may be very similar to but we will never “belong” to each other because in actuality we don’t really understand each other as much as we’d like to think we do. I am content with knowing that I live everyday surrounded by so many people that are so different from each other. It’s fascinating to think that each and every one of us has a combination of different traits and different backstories. We should focus less on trying to belong to a certain something or someone because when it comes down to it we are all too complex to identify with one specific thing. It is impossible to accurately create a group filled with people who are alike in every way possible. Even in the most close knit cliques there are many differences among the people who associate themselves with the particular group. Despite our differences, we have all built up various forms of friendships with different types of people. Just because someone seems very different from us it should not stop us from trying to build a good rapport with that particular person. This notion that we can belong to someone or something is quite ridiculous. There is no one else who knows you like you do because we are all different in some way. Why do we try define ourselves by a group of people if we are all just different in one way or another?
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteEveryone must feel the need to belong. We need each other to survive, physically and mentally. There are two real kinds of belonging: either feeling like this is where a person is meant to be, or whether that person has earned the spot they are in. As it seems like we’re discussing the former, I’ll save my thoughts on feeling unworthy for another time. That being said, of course I feel the need to belong. It’s a natural urge, and though some may claim otherwise I’m pretty sure at least 98% of people feel the same way no matter how they may try to fight it. Of course, it’s not entirely essential to finding happiness, but it certainly helps. I feel like I belong simply because I just can’t imagine myself anywhere else. After almost 17 years I’ve pretty much found my little niche that remains fairly unchanged, and I’d be damned if I said it didn’t satisfy me on some base level. However, at the same time saying “I belong!” is an incredibly bold statement, and like in all things that boldness waivers from time to time, in everyone. I’m sure that those higher than me in social rank also experience their moments of doubt, if they are the brilliant, self-aware bunch my optimistic mind hopes them to be. There are just certain intangible things and little ‘nothing’ moments that tell you when you've found your place, because as silly as it is intensity of feelings is everything. Once you get to a place where you can let loose bouts of maniacal laughter with a friend, or have one pointless, ridiculous fight with another and be comfortable enough with that for it to be okay the next day, you should know you're doing something right. Good highs and lows are what saves bored teenagers from an even more boring and meager existence, since they remind us of why we do what we do and what’s important. They smack us in the face when we need to be told of how necessary we are in everything we do – and that’s key in the feeling of belonging.
I think I'd have to disagree with you in your statement that you don't need to feel as though you belong to be happy. While that may be true because we are only high school students, true happiness, which I perceive to be self-actualization, the pinnacle of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, must be reached. And as Maslow had argued and as I argue now, that need of belonging must be satiated to reach this happiness.
DeletePart I:
ReplyDeleteHuman beings, as a collective, have always been defined, by psychologists and academics alike, as social beings. As Ms. Bunje mentioned in the blog post, the age of 16 and 17 is the impressionable epoch of our short human lives. It marks the first significant effort on our part to discover our identities and to embrace our individuality. Humans, as a natural mental process and evolutionary defense mechanism, look for patterns and order among the chaos of our world. The poet Wallace Stevens famously called the human condition a “rage for order”. Naturally, when trying to identify the unknown, we look for how it fits in the larger picture. When we try to identify ourselves, we apply the same logic. I would have to agree with Abraham Maslow: there is an innate desire to view ourselves as a mere piece in the puzzle of human society. There is an evolutionary-developed yearning inside of us to belong. I admit to feeling it; furthermore, I contend that anyone who claims not to feel it is still feeling it subconsciously, but has not spent enough time investigating themselves to realize it.
Those that we may traditionally believe to fit in, the popular kids in every club, every spot, every party, face the same issue. Fitting in with peers is just one piece of a multifaceted equation to satiate our desire to “fit in”. Our desire to fit in stems in part from our desire to learn our grand purpose in life and society and to make sure that we are achieving it. Most of us believe our purpose in life is much greater than our perceived “roles” that we fit into in high school. We conceive that we are more than just the track star, or the writer, or the class clown. After all, if you find out you are just an insignificant, single-color puzzle piece that’s somehow fitted into the microcosm of society we call high school, it can’t be much more emotionally pleasing than not knowing your role in the first place. No matter how you fit-in in high school, it cannot satiate your greater thirst for a purpose and role in life and society.
Part II:
ReplyDeleteI believe I belong where I am, merely because I prescribe to the idea that I am where I am for a reason. I subscribe to the idea that where we are from comprises a significant portion of who we are, and quite simply, if I didn’t belong here after living and assimilating into Mays Landing and high school, I would leave. But, strangely, I have no desire to leave. If a preppy admissions officer were to walk into class tomorrow and offer me a full scholarship to Lawrenceville Prep (a high school up North with a 36-hole golf course ON CAMPUS and a $40k/year tuition), I would most likely decline. If I want to stay where I am, that must mean I feel as though I belong here. That does not mean I fit-in – it’s possible to believe you belong somewhere when everyone else thinks you don’t – but I doubt there are very many of us who can claim that. I know who I am in comparison to my fellow classmates and it makes my search for identity ever more clear. I don’t believe other people quite understand where I fit-in or who I am, but as long as I do, the fact is irrelevant. It’s far too taxing to care about what others think.
My self-esteem can’t claim to benefit much from this sense of belonging however, due to my constant thoughts about the scale of things. Even if I were to claim I was so individualistic that I was 1 in a million, that means there are about 7000 other Neils in the world gamboling about. Somehow, that makes me deprecate my sense of significance and self-worth. I feel as though even if I did fit-in, it wouldn’t have mattered if I didn’t. If I had never existed, there would be little evidence to support any significant change. Quite contrary to the ideal of humanity as a puzzle, I am a puzzle piece that is not necessary to its completion. As I’ve discussed with Dave, this blog post is very depressing.
Of course I feel as though I’m undervalued and I’m overlooked – I feel as though that negative thinking is integral in my drive as a student and as a person. I do so with the belief that if I somehow increase my personal value, someone will come to acknowledge it. Of course, the feeling of being undervalued is an anchor to any sort of buoyant self-esteem that may be trying to develop. But it’s comforting to be self-actualized and to have a more reasonable estimate of my own value. No matter how many times I am written off, I know it’s because I am misunderstood – not because I am somehow not good enough.